


fine all on my own (but what a lie it is)

by Evening12, hpwlwbb, narrowredoubt, Tpants



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Black Lavender Brown, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Hopeful Ending, Insomnia, Lavender Brown - centric, Lavender Brown Lives, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Room of Requirement, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-24
Updated: 2020-06-24
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24599755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evening12/pseuds/Evening12, https://archiveofourown.org/users/hpwlwbb/pseuds/hpwlwbb, https://archiveofourown.org/users/narrowredoubt/pseuds/narrowredoubt, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tpants/pseuds/Tpants
Summary: The War is over. Hogwarts has been rebuilt, and Lavender returned to Hogwarts for her 8th year. She hoped to find solace there, instead she's faced with the memories of her attack.This story is one of anger and fear, but also of unnamed feelings and vulnerability.
Relationships: Lavender Brown/Pansy Parkinson
Comments: 24
Kudos: 20
Collections: HP WLW BB 2020





	fine all on my own (but what a lie it is)

**Author's Note:**

> There are so many people who help me finish this story. You were all amazing and so needed to my process. Thank you to so much to my beta, [Triggerlil](https://triggerlil.tumblr.com). I never would have finished this work without them. They were the first one to take a look at it and lift me up when all I saw were mistakes. All the thanks. 
> 
> [Kiertorata](https://kiertorata.tumblr.com), you are the best for listening to my ranting and venting. I remember telling you about this idea of a Lavender and Pansy story featuring the Room of Requirement about 2 years ago. It feels right to have it come to the life, the same year you participated in this BB. <3
> 
> And finally a giant thanks to the mods for not only organizing this fest, but affording me some extensions when I struggled with my writing. That extra time, let me create my longest fic to date. 
> 
> To my artists, you all cannot imagine how over the moon I am about the fact that my story has some art. Getting to see drawings that were inspired by my words is simply the best thing ever. Thank you so much for the lovely drawings and for wanting to be part of Lavender's journey. 
> 
> **Artist:** [Artymakeart](https://artymakeart.tumblr.com/) (tumblr), [Tpants](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tpants/profile) (Ao3)  
>  **Medium:** Digital drawing  
>  **Artist's Notes:** It's been amazing to have such an interesting dynamic between two unassuming characters and thank you for coming up with this story, Evening <3
> 
>  **Artist:** [Narrowredoubt](https://narrowredoubt.tumblr.com) (tumblr), [Narrowredoubt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/narrowredoubt/profile) (Ao3)  
>  **Medium:** Digital  
>  **Artist's Note:** It’s great to see everyone’s best efforts in content for this lovely rarepair. I’m so glad to have been a part of it!
> 
>  **Artist** [everyoneinspaceisgay](https://everyoneinspaceisgay.tumblr.com/)(tumblr), [everyoneinspaceisgay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/everyoneinspaceisgay) (Ao3)  
>  **Medium:** Traditional media (pencil)  
>  **Artist’s Notes:** This is a rarepair I haven't seen much of before, so I really enjoyed creating art for it! It was a challenge to pick a scene before they are good friends, but hopefully I convey some of Lavender's feelings here.

The world was on fire. Hogwarts had burned. Loved ones died. Blood was shed. Loved ones cried. He Who Must Not Be Named had died. The world was healing. But pain is hard to forget. The taste of peace is even harder to remember. Some old wounds never truly heal, and will bleed again at the slightest word. Take care of yourself, friend. Take care of each other. - Words left behind on the walls of Hogwarts after the Battle. Unknown Hogwarts student.

* * *

**September 1998 (Four months since the Battle)**

The classroom looked like it always had; paintings covered the walls, the occasional window gave life to an otherwise dull room, and a ridiculous amount of dust covered everything in sight. Being in existence for so long, Professor Binns could hold objects. Chalk seemed to be his favourite. There was so much chalk dust that even the house elves’ daily cleaning couldn’t compete with it. He never remembered that for those with working lungs, dust was rather unpleasant. Lavender breathed deeply, savouring the clean air before walking into the classroom. 

Lavender looked around the room, not knowing where to sit. She had sat in the third row window seat since her first History of Magic lesson. Parvati had always sat on her right. These were the perfect seats to catch a glimpse of the daytime moon and to see shapes in the clouds. As they got older, they had noticed that it was also the perfect place to see Firenze when he stepped out of the forest. His torso had distracted them more than she liked to admit it. 

Lavender had good memories of time spent in this classroom but those were all in the past. Things were different now, and Lavender didn't know if she could sit beside Parvati again. Students were filling the classroom. Soon, her choice would be made for her. As she looked at her window seat, Lavender took the seat closest the door. 

Clouds of chalk dust swirled around Professor Binns as he scribbled MACUSA on the blackboard. Lavender hardly paid attention to him, after that. Her attention drifted towards Parvati. The rays of the afternoon sun reflected a shimmer on the end of her loose crown of braids. Lavender had always thought that braids suited Parvati best. They framed her face beautifully. She never told Parvati that, and she didn’t think she ever would. The two hadn’t spoken in months. 

After the Battle of Hogwarts, Lavender had been rushed to St Mungos. Her vitals had been critical. Luckly, the best healers had been on site. Lavender didn’t remember much about her early days at St Mungos. The healers told her that what she remembered had all happened in her head. Lavender remembered a huge white room with no walls, just a floor surrounded by a vast white emptiness. Streaks of red and green colours sometimes marred the floor. She couldn't move, she could only look around. The room was completely empty. A constant heavy feeling of impending doom pressed down on her chest. Time went by slowly, but she had felt every second of it. Helpless and trapped, years had passed by. When she was revived she had screamed for minutes. She had screamed and cried for what seemed to be another eternity. 

After she woke up, Lavender had sat in silence. Days had passed without her saying a word. Her eyes had been dull and her curls flat. Parvati had sat by her side, and had braided her hair. The soft pink glow of the setting sun had filled the room when Lavender finally talked to Parvati. Those words hadn't been pretty ones. Lavender didn’t have the right words to express how she felt so she had yelled at Parvati. Her attack had left in its wake an anger that Lavender had never experienced before. She had wanted to destroy things. She had thrown Parvati’s healing crystals against the wall. Hearing them shatter had been satisfying. Knowing Parvati, she would have wanted them to talk about it, but Lavender didn’t have words for her. Or maybe Parvati would have let her be quiet. Sometimes she did that. But in its own way, silence between them was worse. Better for them to be apart. And so Lavender had sent her away. Parvati had sent owl after owl until they had stopped coming. Lavender hadn’t even read the letters. 

Lavender shifted in her seat, trying to keep herself awake. Professor Binns’ low voice didn’t help. She didn’t sleep much these days, and when she did fall asleep nightmares followed her.

The clock struck noon, class ended and students spilled out of the classrooms. The hallway was crowded with students who Lavender tried to avoid. Friends arrived, smiled and grinned, while noisy chatter filled the halls. They greeted each other with a hug or a playful punch. First years got swept up in the crowds. Eighth years looked on with wary eyes. Surviving a war did that to people’s eyes. Lavender wondered if her eyes looked the same way. She had also survived, after all. 

Shoulders hunched and hurrying through the crowd, Lavender made her way to the seventh floor, to the safety of the Room of Requirement. Without last year’s cramped sleeping cots covering the floor, the room looked different. The place shined and glittered now. Ornate chairs, and elegant sofas with deep purple cushions now covered the floors. Mirrors of all kinds were scattered across the room; full-length with gilt-edging, wall-mounted and framed by pearls, and some heavy and spherical. 

There was a time when Lavender would have fawned over the pearl framed mirror, but now all she wanted to do was shatter it. The mirror facing her had the patina of age over its bronze frame, its surface spotted black in places. Lavender grabbed the mirror, she pulled and pulled but still it stayed on the wall. The mirrors never moved. Lavender had tried everything. She’d used her hands, tools, spells, and yet the mirrors stayed on the walls.

Looking at her reflection, Lavender sighed. She barely recognized herself. She lightly traced the jagged lines of her face with the tip of her finger. One. Through her lips and downward towards her chin. Two. From the corner of her left eye to the middle of her cheek. On good days, she counted herself lucky that her eye was still intact. Three. From her hairline to the edge of her right eyebrow. On bad days, she remembered that the number of scars only increased the more she went down her body. The memories of that day were etched into her scars. 

She had heard it the moment the werewolf had pounced on her, a voice in her head saying “You’re dying. This is what death feels like, and you’re going to die alone.” But she hadn’t died. The coppery blood had pooled in her mouth as it had grazed her teeth and had soaked her tongue. Her bones had been tugged and pulled, until they had cracked. Each crack had felt like rocks burrowing into her skin. Gasping for air, Lavender had struggled to breathe as her lungs caved in. She had seen spots in the corner of her vision among vivid splashes of red and green spells. Hours had passed, fading and waking, fading and waking. Her agony had been the only thing keeping her alive. It had been the only thing she could feel anymore. 

Hogwarts was meant to bring a sense of normality to her life. She'd been wrong. There was no prodding and poking, healers and hospital, and no foul potions to drink, but there were classmates and whispers to avoid. Nothing about coming back to Hogwarts was normal. She had expected some things to be different. Classmates had been injured, some had died. She looked different. And in a way which was fundamental to the core of her being, everything was already different, since Parvati and her no longer talked. But she hadn’t been expecting everyone's pity and horror. The gasps and whispers as she walked to the Gryffindor table, before the Sorting Ceremony, had been unbearable. She had watched the ceremony, ignoring the eyes wide with fears and the downcast ones filled with pity. She hadn’t missed a single Sorting Ceremony in seven years. Not even when Snape had been Headmaster. But on that day, she had wished for a time-turner, so she could miss just the one.

* * *

Lavender learned to avoid people by sitting at the back of classrooms, and walking quickly with her head down. She slipped and disappeared into the crowd, hoping that nobody noticed her. She’d gotten good at telling people apart from their footwear. Parvati always wore black Mary Janes with a gold buckle. Lavender would recognize them anywhere. Michael Corner, who Lavender only knew because Padma had introduced them, wore worn-down trainers. They were horribly scuffed. As he had since their first year at Hogwarts, Ernest Macmillan wore brogues. Lavender had even caught him shining his shoes in the middle of class once. Pansy Parkinson who sat in front of her in Charms favoured ankle boots. She always sat up straight and kept to herself during class. 

There were some footwear Lavender wouldn’t need to bother recognizing. Not everyone had returned to Hogwarts. A few had changed schools, while others had moved on beyond Hogwarts. Some of the students who had returned for an eighth year had tried to talk to Lavender. Padma had even ambushed her in the library during the first week of the term. Lavender suspected that Parvati was behind it. She had wanted none of it. All she wanted was to be left alone, but space was in short supply. The halls were crowded with people. There were couples that snogged on the left side of the hall, and about ten feet farther down, a gaggle of girls. Opposite them, the Hufflepuff Quidditch players, and between them, the parade of Frog Choir singers holding their toads.

The Room of Requirement was the one place where Lavender could hide. It had appeared to her after one particularly long lesson of Defence Against the Dark Arts. Lavender hated that class. She had learned about werewolves in her third year, and yet when faced with one nothing had prepared her. She had simply stood there, unable to defend herself. What good was the class if she hadn’t been able to defend herself when it had counted? She had wandered down the halls until she found herself on the seventh floor, her back to Barnabas the Barmy’s tapestry. There the Room of Requirement had appeared in all of its glittering glory. She went to class and escaped there every moment she could. 

With its blue sky and wisps of white clouds, the enchanted ceiling of the Room of Requirement reflected the outside world. Wand in hand, Lavender walked to the middle of the sea of mirrors. Her reflection greeting her at every turn; glimpses of her scars, her thick brows and her tired eyes. 

Pointing her wand at a large oval mirror, she casted her spell. “Reducto!” The glass shimmered under the effect of the curse before returning to its normal state. “Useless.” 

Not wanting to be defeated by an inanimate object, Lavender swished her wand towards the mirror again. "Diffindo!" A thin break in the glass appeared before being smoothed over. "You win again." Lavender tucked her wand into her back pocket. 

Her back against the mirror, Lavender slid to the floor. She inwardly squealed as the slight roughness and coolness of the floor came through her skirt. “Why can’t you all disappear? Just disappear. Please,” Lavender said to the four small square mirrors hanging in front of her. Her eyes lingered on the empty spaces between the mirrors. The spaces where she wasn’t faced with her scars. She was tired. Tired of seeing herself. It felt strange to be against her body. Growing she’d been told that her body was a pillar of strength and beauty. She still wanted to believe that. But every scar reminded her of the attack, of how her body had failed her. 

She ran her hand on top of her hair. Lavender longed for a time when all she saw in her reflection were parts of two of the people she loved best. With her afro, she looked like her grandma when she was younger. They shared the same type of tight curls that didn't quite stay in order, and occasionally brushed against their foreheads. She also looked like her mum. They had the same round face with prominent cheeks when they smiled. Her afro highlighted those features. She loved that. But her afro came with a price. One she sometimes regretted. Lavender tugged on her curls, stretching them in front of her face. Her short hair displayed her face. There was no hiding behind a curtain of hair. In the mirrors, she would see her mum and her grandma looking back at her before her scars came into focus and ruined everything.

* * *

Walking down the hallways to her class, Lavender heard them. The whispers. They followed her as she turned corners and walked down the stairs. She tried to ignore them but they came from everywhere. They surrounded her. 

People huddled together as she walked by. “I thought she died,” they said while glancing in her direction. “Didn’t you also hear that?”

“No, no.” A girl looked back at Lavender before leaning closer to her friend. “I heard she got bitten by a werewolf.” Pity. She saw it in their eyes. 

Whispers came from behind her. “Isn’t that Lavender Brown? She looks...different.” 

“That’s putting it mildly,” another said before chuckling. 

The whispers followed her with each step she took. They clung to her body. The classroom got quieter when she entered. It always did. 

She sat close to the door; as far as she could from everyone else. She was paying attention to Professor Binns when her heart started thumping. Blood passed through her ears—thump, thump, thump. Lavender heard Professor Binns, but he sounded distant and muffled. She was hot and sweaty, so hot and sweaty that she stripped off her cardigan and loosened her tie. Her classmates were staring. She was certain of it. Thump, thump, thump. Her heart pounded faster and faster. She wanted to disappear. She needed to disappear. Her breaths were sharp and shallow. Her lungs were closing. 

Breathe. She closed her eyes. She needed to breathe. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Lavender clutched the edge of her desk. Splinters dug into her skin. She could do this. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. After what felt like an eternity, Professor Binns' dull voice finally came through the noise of her beating heart. It was over. She could breathe again. 

Lavender opened her eyes. Parvati was staring at her, almost like she was trying to tell Lavender something. Lavender spent the rest of the class ignoring Parvati’s looks. 

As the clock struck noon and the students rushed out of their classrooms, Lavender made her escape. She hurried up the moving staircases until she reached the seventh floor. With no one in sight, Lavender walked by the section of blank wall and imagined what she wished to see. She imagined the big hand-hewed door with its brass handle, the heaviness of the door as she pushed it with both hands, and a room where she could escape the whispers. Just the sight of the door was enough to release the breath Lavender didn’t even know she was holding. With a sigh, her shoulders relaxed and her jaw unclenched 

The perfect chair was tucked away behind an old rusty mirror. Its plush cushions swallowed Lavender as she collapsed into the chair. She held back a yawn as she rubbed her temples. Her hands were cold. Parvati always told her that she should see a healer, that it wasn’t normal to always have hands this cold. As a result, Lavender owned seven pairs of knitted mittens. Three pairs of thick pink wool ones, two purple pairs, and a white one. Parvati had given her a pair of mittens for every Christmas since their first year. It had started as a joke but soon it turned into a tradition that Lavender looked forward to. This year would be her first without a new pair of mittens. Lavender smiled at the memory before shutting it away. 

White ribbons of clouds spiralled against the blue backdrop of the ceiling. The creaking of the door startled Lavender.

“Hello?” Nobody was supposed to be here. Lavender walked around the room. She saw something out of the corner of her eye and whirled around, but there was no one there. Lavender weaved through the mirrors as she made her way to the door. 

"Who's there? There's no point in hiding. I know someone is in here." Lavender grabbed her wand from her pocket. It was always by her side, these days. She heard heavy footsteps before seeing a shadow peeking from the corner of the entryway. A pair of ankle boots paired with green socks stepped from out of the shadow. Pansy Parkinson. 

> Image Description: Lavender looking up from at her reflection in the mirror, distraught over the scars over her left eye, her lips, and above her right eye. She is looking up to meet the eyes of Pansy, bathed in light from the hallway. Pansy looks apathetic while making her way into the Room of Requirement. Art by Artymakeart. End description.

Both girls stood facing one another. Pansy’s eyes narrowed as she looked Lavender over. "Fuck." The word echoed throughout the room. 

"Hello to you too, Pansy." Lavender crossed her arms over her chest. 

"Lavender, is it?" Parkinson's mouth puckered on that last letter of her name as if she had tasted something sour.

“We’ve had Charms together since fourth year. You know my name,” Lavender said. “Can I help you so that you can go?" Lavender thought she did a rather good job at being polite. She’d never been on friendly terms with Pansy and she had no plans to change that. 

"No." Pansy examined the room, the sound of her boots filling it as she took a few steps. 

Lavender gripped her forearms. "No, you don't need my help?" 

"No, I don’t need your help.” Pansy looked back at Lavender. “And no, I'm not leaving.” Her hair fell in front of her eyes. “It's not like this room belongs to you.” When Pansy sighed she jutted her bottom lip out, redirecting the air-flow to her bangs. For a brief moment her hair fanned upwards before resettling just over her eyes. “I've been coming here often this year. It looks different, I’ll give you that. None of these—” Pansy gestured to the mirrors “—were there for me." 

"Well I’ve been here often too, and I've never seen you," said Lavender. “Actually I’d say I’ve been here every day.” 

“And?” Pansy tucked her stray hair behind her ear. "It still doesn’t make it your room."

Neither girl spoke. The sound of Pansy’s footsteps echoed as she occasionally walked closer to examine a mirror. Her fingers running down its frame.

Lavender resisted the urge to tap her feet. She wasn’t going to lose her temper. "What now?" She could be civil about this. 

Pansy shrugged. "Told you, I'm not leaving." 

"And I don't want you in my space." Lavender said every world slowly, like it would make them come true. 

"Like I said, this isn't your space," said Pansy. 

"Well, I'm not leaving."

"Didn't ask you to.” Pansy sat in one of the chairs, as she crossed her legs the sole of her boot scuffed the plush material. “You're the one making all of the demands. This place should be big enough for the both of us. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have better things to do.” She closed her eyes before curling up on herself. 

Lavender dragged her feet as she made her way to a sofa far from Pansy. “It doesn’t seem like I have a say in the matter.” She fluffed the cushion and laid down. Her feet dangled over the end of the sofa. 

Trying to relax and find that magical place before sleep took over but rest was still possible, Lavender closed her eyes. One breath, two breaths, three breaths. One breath after another, Lavender counted pygmy puffs until it was all her mind knew. 

But pygmy puffs weren't enough to keep the nightmares at bay. She soon felt the shadow of her nightmare inch its way into her mind before she lost her count, before she lost her breath. Her breath caught in her throat, Lavender fought for every bit of air. This was pointless. She couldn’t rest and Pansy was in her room. She needed one thing to go right for her. She deserved it. Again Lavender tried to count pygmy puffs, but her efforts were for nothing as her nightmare clawed at the edge of her mind.

Lavender pressed her palms to her eyes. Sleep. That’s what her last healer had recommended as treatment. Sleep would speed the healing of her body. Rubbish. Her scars certainly wouldn’t heal after a few good nights of sleep. She had, however, promised her parents that she would listen to the healer’s advice. That promise was more difficult to keep than she had anticipated. 

Hogwarts had done nothing to subdue her nightmares. They had intensified. Lavender struggled to forget her attack. The very bricks of the building reminded her of being bloodied and broken. Lavender didn’t need more reminders of that day. She couldn't risk sleeping, and so Lavender didn't sleep. She'd put on her silk bonnet, slip into bed and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. If the call of sleep became harder to resist, she sat on the window sill and opened the window. The cool night air kept her awake until morning. 

When Lavender opened her eyes again, Pansy had left. Lavender hoped this would be the last time she would see Pansy in the Room of Requirement

**October 1998 (Five months since the Attack)**

Luck wasn’t on Lavender’s side. She kept seeing Pansy. They kept sharing the Room of Requirement. 

Boots left beside the sofa's copper legs, Pansy pulled her feet onto the sofa. “Lavender," Pansy said as she looked up from her book. Her fingernails were painted a delightful raspberry pink. 

"Pansy." Lavender made her way to a chair that didn’t directly face any mirrors. 

She dropped her bag by the chair before getting comfortable. Trying to avoid looking at her reflection, Lavender’s gaze settled on Pansy. Pansy's hair was shorter than last year. Her hair had been the same length as Parvati’s before. Now, Pansy’s hair barely brushed her chin. She wanted to ask why the change, but thought better of it. They weren’t friends after all. They were two people sharing a space. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Maybe this was how the rest of her life would be. She'd have her parents and an array of distant colleagues and acquaintances. She'd have a routine, that way everyone who she encountered would know about her, and it would give less cause for gossip. No more "do you think she becomes a werewolf on the full moon?" or "what's wrong with her?" She could—no, she would get used to that kind of life. 

The rustling of Pansy's book pages lulling her asleep, Lavender pressed the palm of her hands to her eyes. She didn’t want to fall asleep.

* * *

An hour ago the sunset had radiated across the clouds, turning the sky orange with stripes of pink. Now it was done, and Lavender sat in her bed looking at the starless, moonless sky. There was no twilight, only blackness.  
She stretched her arms above her head, her bones cracking as her hands touched. She slumped back against the bed. The sheets were cool against her skin. Goose pimples formed on her arms but Lavender did nothing to warm herself. Being cold was a good way to keep herself awake, to not sleep too deeply. Deep sleep always brought forth nightmares. 

Lavender shared her room with three other girls. Luckily none of them really bothered with her. And none of them were Parvati. She could barely make out the silhouettes of her roommates. Their quiet snores were the only noise in the room aside from Lavender's sheets as she tossed and turned in her bed. 

She hadn't had a good night of sleep since the day before her attack. Lavender would wake up terrified in the hospital. Alerted by her screams and cries, healers would rush to her room ready to sedate her. Words never reached her. She was often sedated in those early days. She kept fighting off an imaginary foe, trying to stop the inevitable, trying to stop what had already happened. 

Since being discharged, she'd taken to avoiding sleep. She drank a lot of coffee. No amount of milk or sugar sweetened the taste enough for her. Its bitterness still made Lavender’s nose scrunch up as she swallowed. By the end of summer, her parents had noticed that Lavender seemed more tired. When they made remarks, Lavender would tell them she simply wasn't sleeping well since the attack and that was the end of that conversation. She never told them that she avoided sleep. She never told them that nightmares plagued her. She felt accomplished when she only slept four hours a night. She didn't like lying to them. But not having nightmares was more important than a few lies. 

She’d managed to bring four vials of Dreamless Sleep Potion to Hogwarts. She’d saved all her money to buy those vials. It was a N.E.W.T level potion, and Lavender only scraped by in Potions, so she couldn’t brew them herself. She didn't fancy making the situation worse by accidentally making a potion that made the sleeper only dream. Better to keep buying them instead.

Lavender yawned as she pulled the sheets closer to her chin. A noise startled her as she dozed off. Romilda was talking in her sleep. Had they been closer, Lavender would have teased her about it in the morning. As it was, the moment would stay between Lavender and the night’s darkness. 

Lavender figured that laying in bed was the next best thing to actually sleeping. She must have been getting some distantly removed benefits of sleep this way.

* * *

Since crossing paths that first day, Lavender and Pansy hadn't exchanged more than a handful of words. Pansy would lounge on a sofa on one side of the room, and Lavender would curl up in a chair on the other side. They kept away from one another and kept silent. 

Today was a different kind of day. Lavender had the room to herself. The ceiling was bewitched with a radiant afternoon sun. The mirrors reflected the light and scattered it among the furnitures’ jewel decorated frames. Colourful light danced on the floor. Lavender stretched her hand so that the purple light shone on her. Hands stretching high above her head, Lavender twirled and watched the light dance on her body. 

The room looked like a fairy castle, one from the books Lavender read when she first came to Hogwarts. Parvati had read them too. They bonded over them. After class, they would rush to the Gryffindor Common Room to learn if the fairy princess fell in love with the prince. The princess always did. 

Lavender smiled at the memories until she caught her reflection in a mirror. “That was another time, another girl,” she said to her reflection before walking away.

* * *

Though the classroom walls were bare the windows were large. Everyone always wanted a window seat, to sit in the unsubdued light of the morning. Along the walls were the usual diagrams, posters, and rules that Professor Flitwick liked to display to liven up the room. There was even a poster of Celestina Warbeck tucked away beside the bookshelf. By now the poster was old news, and everyone had stopped teasing Professor Flitwick about it. 

Lavender arrived late to Charms. Her typical seat was taken. Her choices were between a seat with a broken chair or a seat beside Pansy. There was no real decision. Pansy didn’t even look at Lavender as she pulled out the chair. The feet made a horrid noise as they scratched against the floor. It lasted for more than a second. Pansy winced as the sound stretched on.

The classroom was warm after the coolness of the Room of Requirement, but Lavender's hands were still cold. She would wear mittens most of the year if it were possible to hold her wand through a layer of wool. Instead she stretched the sleeves of her cardigan, trying to make them cover her hands. 

Lavender’s wand was on the table and it rolled in Pansy's direction. The tables were slightly worn from years of abuse. A few of them were even slanted. Lavender reached for her wand at the same time as Pansy reached for it. Their hands touched. Pansy's body radiated heat. Lavender quickly pulled her hand away. Lavender glanced in Pansy's direction, but Pansy was looking straight ahead. There was no sign that their hands had touched. No sign that they might even know each other. 

Outside, the leaves had turned beautiful shades of oranges, yellows, and reds. A few green ones still held on to their branches, reminding everyone of the summer that had just ended. The grass still kept its green vibrant look, autumn hadn't yet touched it. 

Professor Flitwck demonstrated a spell, but Lavender was preoccupied with Pansy. Pansy drummed her fingers against the table. Her usual pristine manicured nails were chipped today. A few extra sweeps of green nail polish and her nails would have been perfect. Lavender's own nails hadn't seen nail polish in quite some time. She never had the patience to do it herself, relying instead of Parvati's help. Now that wasn't an option. 

All around her, people were swishing and flicking their wands. Lavender clasped her hands together, willing herself to focus. She sat up straight and grabbed her wand but not before making sure she was the only one reaching for it. Soon enough she joined in the swishing and flicking of wands. 

With a wave of his hand Professor Flitwick dismissed them. There was bustling and jostling as everyone tried to leave the room at once. Lavender waited. Before walking away from her chair, Pansy looked in Lavender's direction. Lavender thought she saw a hint of recognition.

* * *

Professor Binns walked in looking as inspired as a used tea bag. He wasn't a bad teacher, he was simply an acquired taste. One who liked slide shows and made liberal use of chalk. Slides of momentous historical moments were projected in front of the class, while Professor Binns pointed out important facts. 

As the minutes ticked away, the ceaseless buzzing of the classroom decreased. Lavender no longer paid attention to Professor Binns. She heard whispers. Familiar voices whispered about her. She didn't dare turn around to face them. Her foot softly tapped against the leg of the chair.

"I'm so happy that group projects aren't required in this class. Can you imagine having to work with her?" said one voice.

"I know. It would be...well awkward," the other voice replied.

“That’s putting it lightly,” said a third voice. "How do you not mention her scars?" The sound of the projector managed to cover the rest of their words. Lavender was glad for it. 

She glanced to her right and saw Parvati sitting in her usual seat. She was leaning towards the window. She only did that when Firenze walked to the very edge of the forest. At least her old friend wasn't behind those whispers. 

The class ended when the projector looped the same five images in a quick succession, and Professor Binns couldn't fix it. Lavender waited until the class emptied before gathering her books and parchment. She was in no hurry to be caught in the crowds exiting their classrooms. 

"Lav. Lavender. Wait." Lavender hadn't noticed that she wasn't the only one left in the classroom. "Please." She knew that voice. She’d know it anywhere. 

Lavender didn't say anything but she didn't move either. She clutched her books to her chest. Her heart was beating fast. She should be leaving, but she had never been able to walk away from Parvati. Lavender uselessly tried to tuck one of her curls behind her ear.

"I... I.." Words died on Parvati’s tongue before they even came out. "We haven't talked since this summer." Parvati wrapped her arms around her waist, almost like she was afraid her body would break down and she needed to keep it together. "Don't you want to talk to me?" 

Lavender inched away from her desk and towards the door. "I can't." Lavender looked past Parvati, to the window and the blue sky filled with white clouds. "I can't do this." Lavender took the last few steps out of the classroom. Distance was all that mattered. Lavender wasn’t stopping for anything as she ran to the Room of Requirement. A soft “sorry” on her lips, she bumped into someone as she turned a corner. 

Lavender threw herself on the first sofa she saw. She didn't even look to see if Pansy was there. All she cared about was calming her beating heart and forgetting what she felt. She didn’t know how long she stayed there. She only knew that when she left the room, the hallways were quiet and dark. 

That night, Lavender dreamt. There was a full moon shining down on her bed. She was by herself, her roommates were nowhere to be found. She got up from her bed, wrapping the sheet around her body. The floor was cold under her feet. While this was a place she knew, somehow everything seemed at odds with the world she was familiar with. The furniture, the colours, everything was a little bit different. 

Suddenly, Parvati was standing beside her bed. She arrived without making a sound. Her eyes were different. They were darker, too dark. 

"Parvati?" Lavender pulled the sheets closer to her body as mist entered the room. "Parv?”

Parvati ignored her as she walked across the room. Her footsteps made no sound, almost like she was gliding on the floor. 

“What are you doing here?" Lavender tapped her foot. “You’ll get us in trouble.”

“You left before I had a chance to talk earlier. I wanted to make sure we understood each other,” Parvati said as she tilted her head to the side. “I don’t care about you. I’m happy that we don’t talk anymore.” The mist enveloped Parvati but her words echoed throughout the room, the sound coming from everywhere. "So many scars. Too many scars. You’re not worth the trouble.” 

The edge of every word cut into Lavender’s skin. "You’re lying. Stop it." Lavender took a step back. 

“I’m not. Who would be friends with you?” Parvati laughed. “Take a look in the mirror and you’ll know why. You’ve heard the whispers, nobody wants to be your friend. Poor Lavender, all alone and with no friends." 

Those last words seemed to be coming from behind her. Lavender turned around trying to find Parvati. The mist was so thick it swallowed the darkness of the night. "It’s not true. We were friends. I know it. We love Divination. We read tea leaves and tarot cards. We have memories together." Lavender’s heart beat faster as she made a few steps closer to where she thought Parvati was. 

“Are you certain? Things weren’t what you thought. I wasn't your friend. Nobody wants you around. Why would I?" 

With each word, Lavender shrank and shrank. As she shrank, her voice disappeared. She screamed but no sound came. She tried again and again. She tried to whisper but no sound escaped her lips. 

"Seems like you know it's the truth since you're not defending yourself. Poor pitiful Lavender." The mist lifted and there stood Parvati in front of her. She smiled. A smile all wrong for her face. Parvati's whole face normally came alive when she smiled. But this smile made her face crooked and somber. "It's a fitting name for you. Pitiful Lavender." 

Lavender kept on shrinking as Parvati kept on speaking. The sheet pooled at Lavender's feet until it swallowed her whole. 

Lavender finally shut her eyes and when she opened them, Parvati was gone. Lavender was once again in her bed, her roommates softly snoring in their own beds. There was no mist. It had been a horrible dream. Lavender breathed deeply, pushing the nightmare to the back of her mind. She tossed and turned the rest of the night.

* * *

With a swish of her wand, Lavender removed a thin layer of dust from her chair before sitting down. She rested her head on her table. Lavender wanted to sink into the floor and avoid any interaction with Parvati. It had only been a dream but the words still rang in Lavender’s head. “Pitiful Lavender.” Lavender closed her eyes. It had only been a dream. “Nobody wants you around.” Lavender couldn’t stop the voice.

Professor Binns was at the front of the class, quills at the ready students were set to write but Lavender couldn't breath. She couldn’t move, couldn't escape the voice. She was trapped. Her chest was tight. Her heart beat faster and faster like it wanted to burst out of her chest. Lavender pressed a hand to her chest trying to steady her heart. She was dying. She wondered how others could keep so calm when surely the world was ending. Nothing made sense.

Her heart finally slowed down. Her cardigan was drenched with sweat but she was alive. She could breathe. She ran her hand over her damp forehead. She looked around the classroom to see if anyone was staring at her. Nobody seemed to have noticed that she had been dying. She was safe. She felt her exhaustion deep down in her bones. 

Lavender thought of the Dreamless Sleep Potion she had hidden under a jumper in her trunk. If she took the potion tonight, she’d only be left with two vials. If she didn’t take the potion, she knew she’d never be able to stay awake. She’d dream. Maybe she’d dream of Parvati again. The allure of a good night's sleep won as Professor Binns dismissed the class. 

That night Lavender slept deeply. 

The next morning, Lavender walked in on Pansy examining the big square mirror hanging on the wall. The sleeves of her shirt were rolled up and her cardigan left on the floor. 

Pansy looked up and faced Lavender's reflection in the mirror. "Lavender."

Lavender avoided looking directly at the mirror. Instead she focused on its frame. Twisted golden ribbons wrapped around the glass. Pretty. If only it had been framing something else. Pretty. If only she didn't have her scars. "Pansy." 

The next hours were spent in silence. Pansy and her book at one end of the room, and Lavender at the other. Lavender stayed in the room until the day’s last class was done. 

Everyone had rushed to the Great Hall. The hallway was empty. The last of the students, a first year who skipped down the hallway, passed by Lavender. Their blue sneakers squeaked against the floor. Lavender had the space to herself. She stretched out her arms, and took all the space. 

For the first time since the beginning of the term, Lavender lingered. She paid attention to the paintings. The hallway's walls were once covered in them. Some of them were missing now. They had been injured during the Battle, and had been taken away to be mended. Some had yet to return. Lavender waved to the knight in the painting beside the courtyard window. The knight bowed before hopping on his horse and riding away. She’d always liked this painting. In the spring, the knight always presented her with a bouquet of flowers. She was glad he survived. 

White sun rays shone through the window making rainbow diamonds dance on the paintings. The more Lavender looked at the window, the more its view seemed familiar. She knew that cobbled path in the courtyard. Her body knew it deep down in her bones. This was the spot. On those stones, her blood had been spilled. The stones were a bit darker in some areas. Her blood. It hadn’t been completely washed out. 

Just like that, she was face to face with him again. She was on the ground. The rough stones dug into her back. He was on top of her. Her blood was spilling. She couldn't stop it. 

Lavender stood there watching her memories play out on the courtyard. Her heart beat faster. It was happening all over again. Thump, thump, thump. Lavender was breathing all wrong, beginning to gasp like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air. With effort, she moved away from the courtyard window. Her heart was still crashing against her ribs. She needed to escape. 

Rushing to the Room of Requirement, the word echoed in her head "werewolf, werewolf, werewolf." The thoughts accelerated inside her head. She wanted them to slow down so she could breathe but they wouldn't. Lavender's breaths came in gasps. The room spun and she squatted on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something her brain and body could cope with.

Lavender struggled with her heart and her lungs until late into the evening. She never wanted to leave this room.

* * *

Once again, Lavender found herself sharing the Room of Requirement with Pansy. Bundled in a throw blanket and lounging on the sofa, Pansy barely gave any indication that she noticed Lavender’s presence. 

With a thud, Lavender dropped her books beside her chair. Lavender brought her legs up and under her body. She closed her eyes and tried to relax. While not quite as restful as sleep, Lavender hoped that relaxation would bring her some reprieve from her yawns. Not even three breaths in, Lavender heard them, the whispers. 

"What's wrong with her face?" said a first year Hufflepuff. 

“You can’t just say things like that.” An upper year Hufflepuff had said while dragging the younger one away. 

"Why doesn't she talk anymore?” One girl whispered to her friend. “Oh maybe the werewolf tore up her throat?” the reply had been.

"Isn't there some kind of spell to fix her? I mean I would want my face fixed if I was her.” 

Lavender curled up and covered her head with her arms. The whispers needed to stop. She would give anything to be rid of her scars, to turn back time and have never been attacked. She and her parents had tried everything. To strengthen her muscles, she had gone to therapy more than once a day. Even with magic, being in a coma took its toll on the body. She'd woken up at the crack of dawn to stretch her body, and to work with the healer. She had pushed herself more than she had ever before, and still she swore she felt her bones breaking and cracking. 

Her scars, the most public reminder of her attack, had healed but the poison in a werewolves saliva made it harder to treat. The scars would stay. The healers hadn’t been able to do anything about the nightmares either. Every time Lavender slept she remembered it all. She felt the pain all over again. Lavender tensed at the memory of the healers telling her parents that they had done everything they could. What was the point of magic if she couldn't be made whole again? Curled up on the sofa, Lavender missed her classes for the day. 

The Fat Lady gave Lavender grief about the time of her return before letting her into the Gryffindor Common Room. Lavender was quite sure she had arrived before curfew and that the Fat Lady was simply being difficult. She told the Fat Lady so before she walked through the door. The door closed behind Lavender and silenced the Fat Lady's protests. 

The roaring fire was extinguished, giving the room shadows it typically didn't have. The place looked less welcoming at night. Tiptoeing through the Common Room, Lavender avoided the loose floor boards that creaked every time someone walked on them. Everyone knew to avoid them when they had the misfortune, or good one as is sometimes the case, of missing curfew. There was no sense in making more noise than strictly necessary. 

Quietly as to not wake up her roommates, Lavender put on her pajamas and slipped on her bonnet. She always got ready for bed even if she never intended to sleep. Slipping on her bonnet was an evening habit by this point. 

Sitting on the window sill, Lavender leaned against the wall. The window was wide open and the cool fall air blew against the curtains. The clouds failed to blanket the sky, instead they were sporadic in where they chose to be thick or sparse. In the gaps, the sky had darkened; the clouds weren’t white anymore, instead they were blackened shadows shifting with the wind. There were times when the clouds moved just enough to reveal the full moon. Lavender pulled the curtain shut. 

Her trunk was pulled from under her bed, and her spare jumpers were thrown on the floor. At the bottom of her truck were her vials of Dreamless Sleep potion. Three were left. Only two nights free of nightmares. Lavender took one of the vials from her trunk. She could take one tonight. She'd sleep peacefully. She wouldn't hear anymore whispers. Lavender looked at the purple liquid as it swirled in the vial. One vial for one good night of sleep. But if she drank it, she would only have one more vial. One last vial until she bought more potion with her yearly holiday Galleon gift.

Lavender buried the vials under her jumpers, closed the truck and shoved it under her bed. She climbed in her bed, and while staring at the ceiling, Lavender hoped sleep never came.

* * *

"So is this it?" Lavender opened her eyes. 

“You wanted me out of this place, remember?” Resting on the couch, Pansy stretched her arms above her head. "Why are you talking to me now? I'm perfectly fine with this arrangement." 

“I’m bored.” Lavender didn’t share that she missed talking. 

“Not my fucking problem,” said Pansy.

Lavender sighed. The mirrors reflected one another, creating a never ending maze of reflections. "So, why are you here?" 

Pansy turned to face Lavender. “Why would anyone escape to the Room of Requirement by themselves?” Pansy rubbed her nose with the back of her hand. Her fingernails were painted bright red today. “Don't know if you've noticed but it's hard out there for Slytherins.” Pansy stretched out the last s, almost like she was taunting Lavender to say something about it. “Nobody does anything but you can feel it. There's tension in every room. The other Houses look at us like we all took the Dark Mark. They look at me.” 

Lavender hummed in agreement. 

Pansy shifted on the sofa. “And I just... didn't want to deal with it anymore. One day after breakfast, I found myself walking up here wishing I could have a place where I didn't have to deal with the world anymore, and this place appeared. Fuck. I don’t even know why I’m telling you this." 

“If it makes you feel any better, I don’t know why I asked you.”

Pansy snorted. “It does a bit.” 

Lavender leaned forward, her chin resting in her hands. "I guess we were both looking for the same thing. A place away from everyone else." 

"And for some fucking reason the room thought we should share it," Pansy said. “It’s got some sense of humour.” 

"I mean... sharing a room hasn't been horrible. You haven't said anything mean to me so there is that." 

“There is that,” said Pansy before curling back into the sofa. “Though you might want to raise your standards if you’re idea of a good time is ‘not horrible.’”

* * *

The air was crisp. The skies had been low and grey these past few days, the rain falling as thick as Lavender had ever seen. Autumn had settled in.

Loud footsteps resonated in the Room of Requirement and jostled Lavender awake. Pansy’s footsteps weren’t typically that loud. Lavender quickly understood the reason behind Pansy’s loud footsteps. She held back a laugh as Pansy walked past her. At the top of Pansy’s head were two cat ears. 

Pansy glared in her direction. "Don't you dare say anything." She grabbed a cushion and threw it on the ground. "Don't you fucking dare." Pansy's cat ear twitched. 

"Say something about what? You look like you always do." Lavender pressed her hand to her mouth. 

"Some idiot hexed me, and Madam Pomfrey says 'the spell needs to run its course dear.'" 

Lavender's shoulder shook in silent laughter. 

"You're laughing, Brown." 

"Like I told you before, it's Lavender. And it's just...you make such a cute angry cat."

* * *

On her way to the Great Hall for dinner, Lavender overheard Justin Finch-Fletchley telling his friend that Pansy had been caught in a fight. A Muggle style fight, fists and all. Lavender chuckled at the idea of Pansy in a fist-fight. Pansy seemed so refined, and more the type to bring someone down with some sharp words. The idea of Pansy using her fist to fight, maybe even rolling around on the floor as she tried to pin someone down was ridiculous. Lavender turned around to talk to Justin, and learn all about the incident. "Ar..." The words died on her tongue, and Justin left for the Great Hall. 

As much as she wanted to know more about the fist fight, she didn't want to bring attention to herself. Better to keep quiet. If her curiosity got the better of her, Lavender could ask Pansy about it. Lavender never thought she’d be asking Pansy Parkinson for the latest gossip. It was unexpected but it was nice. She didn’t need to worry about being rejected by or offending Pansy, they weren't friends after all. There were no expectations with Pansy. She didn’t know who Lavender had been before. Lavender couldn’t disappoint her. 

Lavender weaved through groups of students making their way out of the Great Hall. She made it a point to arrive at the end of the lunch hour. There would less people. Less stares. But all the same when she entered the Great Hall, the whispers put Pansy out of Lavender’s mind. 

"There goes Lavender Brown." 

"I heard that she transforms every month."

"I haven't seen her since the beginning of the term. She must still be quite ill." 

"Ill? More like broken.” The boy looked around before continuing to speak. “This is all very hush hush. My mum works at St Mungos and she told me about this girl who kept howling in the Dai Llewellyn Ward for Serious Bites. Must have been Brown, right? Given the werewolf bite and all." 

The whole Ravenclaw table turned to look at her when she passed by. They must have heard that boy speak. He wasn’t discreet. Lavender couldn't walk fast enough to the edge of the Gryffindor table. Once seated, her foot tapped against the leg of the table. Vegetables, meats, and breads covered the table. She grabbed some roasted vegetables and put them on her plate. Picking at them with her fork and nibbling. The food was tasteless. Her stomach felt like it had been punched, and an all consuming nausea overcame her. Her stomach muscles started to pulsate, like she was about to throw up. She took deep breaths, and looked up to the professor’s table. All she could see was an empty Dumbledore shape. From the corner of her eye, Lavender saw Parvati. But Lavender couldn't bring herself to look and confirm it. The promise of stares and whispers were too much to risk. Lunch gave way to Lavender’s free period. She happily escaped the mass of students by going to the Room of Requirement. 

It was quiet. Bundled in a blanket, Pansy was reading on the sofa.

"Pansy." Lavender sat on the other side of the sofa, facing Pansy. She hugged her legs. The golden frame pressed against her back. This was the closest she had willingly been to another person since the beginning of the year. "Doesn't look like you got into a fist fight today."

Pansy folded the corner of the page of her book before closing it. "You heard about that." Her green socks peeked from under the blanket. 

Lavender chuckled. Laughing felt nice. She'd been doing it more often these days. "It's Hogwarts. Gossip is everywhere. It found me even though I’m avoiding everyone." 

Pansy sat up straight. "What of it? Is it so surprising that I fought with a classmate?"

"No. Not really. You fighting isn't surprising. But a Muggle style fight, that’s surprising. I would have thought you'd be scared to break a nail."

Pansy examined her nails. They were a vibrant shade of yellow today. "First off, I'm not that fucking delicate. Second, well... one of my probation conditions is to not use magic to harm other people. I'm only left with physical fights."

"Ah. A loophole."

"Simply following my probation conditions to the letter. They should’ve been more specific if they wanted me to not harm anyone by any means.” Pansy crossed her legs. “Not that I'm planning on fighting anyone else."

"Why’d you get into a fight?" Lavender rubbed her hands. The chill of the room was getting to her. 

"They were being ridiculous." Pansy bit her bottom lip. "Saying things that weren't true. If you're going to say mean things about a person, at least have the guts to repeat it when asked."

"Someone said something about you?"

"No. Not me. But they said something untrue all of the same." Pansy grabbed one of the throw pillows that was on the floor and threw it at Lavender. "Enough about me." 

“I’m curious.” Lavender tried to hide her yawn behind her hand. “Indulge me.”

“Indulge you? I’m always the one talking. I barely know anything about you. Indulge you.” Pansy huffed. “How about you indulge my curiosity? Why aren't you talking to people? If you think I haven't noticed you’re wrong. You leave Charms like you can't wait to get away from everyone else. And you keep away from people like they have dragon pox. I'll be the first to admit that some of our classmates aren't the best, but that's never been you."

"How do you know that?" 

"With your bright purple and pink headbands, and the accompanying sound of Patil's bracelets clinking together, you’re hard to forget Lavender Brown." 

"Parvati... she wasn't always with me."

Pansy smiled. "Whatever you say." Pansy tucked her hair behind her ear. "Where is she? Patil? I don't hear her bracelets when I see you anymore." 

Lavender crossed her arms. "Not that it’s any of your business but people grow apart. It's a part of growing up."

"I'm not sure I believe that." The room darkened as clouds covered the ceiling. "So it's just you these days."

"Yeah, just me," Lavender said.

* * *

As she placed her wand on the bedside table, Lavender stopped and withdrew her hand. The photograph of Parvati and her faced the bed. They were by the Great Lake reading tarot cards. Lavender loved that picture. She used to touch it every night before she went to sleep. It always faced her bed, and was the last thing Lavender saw before going to sleep. Lavender ran her finger over the edge of the frame before placing it down. 

Lavender pulled her duvet to her chin and rolled on her side towards the darker side of the room. The curtains shut out most of the moonlight, but rectangles of light still shone through the gaps onto the opposite wall, as the breeze moved the curtains. She tossed from one side to the other, her bed that had been carefully made by the house elves becoming a tangle of sheets and blankets. 

Closing her eyes, Lavender imagined fluffy pygmy puffs and counted them as they jumped over a fence. She thought back to the vials of potions tucked away in her trunk, but resisted the urge to drink another vial so soon. She needed to make them last. The night wore on, and thoughts tumbled through Lavender’s mind in rapid succession. One thought lingered longer than the rest; Pansy and her brightly coloured nails. 

Eventually the room began to get lighter and the birds chirped. Lavender threw off her duvet and stumbled out of bed. Another restless night. She wasn’t surprised. She rarely slept. Nightmares robbed her of any peace. She saw him all over, coming towards her, his hands around her throat. Sometimes the nightmares were different, a confusing medley of images of people with no good intentions attacking her. Then, she’d wake again, breathing hard. Sleeping unlocked the doors of her demons. Every night was a battle between sleeplessness and nightmares.

* * *

With both hands, Lavender pushed open the heavy door of the Room of Requirement. She marched to the middle of a cluster of mirrors. Her face had slimmed down since the last time she properly looked at herself in a mirror. 

Lavender pointed her wand at a mirror. "Confringo!" A fiery orange explosion swallowed the mirror before the smoke cleared out and she saw it standing still in one piece. "Confringo! Confringo!" Lavender pointed her wand again and again, her wrist straining under the effort. "Explode, why won't you." Lavender walked to another mirror, a small round one with a copper frame. 

Not noticing that Pansy had entered the room, Lavender swished her wand. "Baubillious." A jet of white sparks erupted from the tip of her wand and surrounded the mirror. None of the sparks even scratched the mirror. Lavender casted spell after spell. She bent over, her hands on her knees. She was exhausted. None of her spells had the desired effect. She kicked a nearby floor mirror. 

"I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I don't think kicking the mirror is going to break it. If using a fucking blasting curse didn't damage it, blunt force won't either." Pansy pushed one of the floor mirrors down. The mirror fell and wobbled on the floor but it didn't crack. "Like I said, they aren't going to break." 

Lavender glared. She tucked her wand back into her pocket. 

Pansy ran her fingers through her hair. She wore green studded earrings. "Why are you even doing this? There's like a hundred mirrors here. Were you planning on breaking every single one of them?"

"Shut it Pansy." 

Pansy chuckled. “Seriously, why?” 

"Just shut it, will you?"

"Who pissed in your Pixie Puffs this morning?" Pansy tapped her wand on the glass of the fallen mirror. Pansy looked up at Lavender, her fringe hiding her left eye. “So?”

“I don’t know.” The force behind her words startled Lavender. “It felt like something I needed to do. I don’t know why,” Lavender said as she rubbed the back of her neck. 

Pansy hummed. “Rough day.” With a flick of her wand, Pansy levitated the fallen mirror back on its feet. “I know what that’s like. Sometimes I ask the house-elves to bring me the discarded china so that I can break them.”

"You break the dishes?"

"Yeah. I throw them against the floor. Against anything that will break them. It helps. Plus I hate my mum’s china. It’s fucking ugly.” 

Wanting to hold on to her anger a bit longer, Lavender held back a laugh. 

“The mess is a bitch to clean though. Shattered pieces everywhere. Cleaning spells aren’t my strong suit.” Pansy ran her fingers through her hair. “I don't think fighting against unbreakable mirrors would bring me any relief though."

"It's not doing it for me either," said Lavender. 

"So, why are you doing it?"

"Because I hate these mirrors." Lavender looked up at the ceiling. Colourful leaves were floating against the blue sky. 

"I thought you'd be one for pretty bobbles and glittering stuff." Pansy ran her finger on the frame of a mirror.

"I just don't like mirrors." Lavender crossed her arms. "There’s no deep reason behind it." 

"Here I thought that we were making progress. Getting to know each other." Pansy walked away and sat on a sofa. "I’ll stay on my side of the room, and you can stay on yours. That's what you want, right?" Pansy grabbed one of her books, and made a point of ignoring Lavender.

* * *

Her roommates gossipped about boys and girls, and fashion. Lavender slipped into her bed and pulled the curtain shut. She ignored them until the gossip turned to soft snores. 

Lavender yawned and resisted the urge to burrow in her bed. She was exhausted but even awake she remembered her nightmares. 

His hands around her throat and his claws ready to pierce her skin, Lavender remembered it all too well. It was in the past, but even now Lavender’s shirt dampened with sweat and her breath came in short bursts. It was all in the past, but her memories of her bruised body, and the bloody mouth of the werewolf were still with her. 

Lavender’s nightmares were always the same. Paralyzed, hurt, and cold. The man would come closer. He would come closer and closer until Lavender could only see the pupil of his eyes. Every night it was the same. Lavender sat up in bed, deciding that she would not go back to sleep that night. If she didn't sleep the nightmares couldn't follow her. She tried to convince herself of that truth, all the while knowing that even awake she sometimes saw his shadow from the corner of her eye.

* * *

"What happened? Between Parvati and you?"

"Nothing. We grew apart." 

"Grew apart? When you were in the hospital wing, she was there. She looked concerned.”

Lavender frowned. “And how would you know that?”

“You were in a coma. So, between the both of us, I think I was in a better position to know what was happening.” 

“You were spying on me?”

“What a fucking ridiculous thing to think. Like I don’t have better things to do than spend my time spying on you.” Pansy rolled her eyes. “There’s not much to do while doing community service at St Mungos. People watching was the only way to pass the time.” 

Lavender looked around the room, hoping some kind of dark hole would appear to swallow her. She didn’t want to talk about Parvati. That part of her life was over.

“I’m telling you. Parvati wasn't looking at you like someone who she had grown apart from. Not that I know anything about friendship or anything," Pansy said.

"Probably pity or something."

"You think that's what pity looks like? You think pity is someone staying at your bedside while you're unwell?" Pansy ran her fingers through her hair. "And I thought I was bad with human interactions." Pansy chuckled. "That's what friendship and love looks like." 

"Maybe it was duty, okay."

"Again. Not duty. Duty is something you do because you’re obligated, regardless of how you feel. I know what that's like. Parvati is your friend. She was there at St Mungos too. You were out of it but she was there. Every day. 

"I've been told that."

"And you think it was out of some misguided sense of duty that she redecorated the room? You must've noticed that your curtains were a pale pink, and that the light gave this hazy softness to it instead of the sharp and artificial hospital light. That was all Parvati. Duty looks like my mum coming to my trial but not talking to me after I was sentenced to community work. Duty looks like me doing something horrible to keep my father out of Azkaban. Duty is a twisted word that forces you to act with no regard for anything else." 

Lavender looked at Pansy. "So, what happened to you after the Battle?"

"I was found guilty, but since I was young and in the end my actions didn't make anything worse I got a light sentence. Community work and magic restriction. I can't do magic outside of Hogwarts while I'm a student and for the next two years I can only do magic in my home or at work, should my employer fill in the appropriate paperwork indicating that they'll take responsibility for me. Much better than the alternative of Azkaban, but it still sucks."

* * *

Lavender hadn't slept in a few nights. She survived on caffeine and sheer will. She knew she couldn't keep it up much longer but every time she tried to sleep she would hear them. Those footsteps against the stones leading up to Hogwarts. He always came back for her. Tiredness was much better than terror. She could deal with being tired. She couldn’t deal with being afraid while in her own bed. She was tired of being afraid. 

The next night was the same. She closed her eyes, and there he was waiting for her. He smiled as he approached her. Slow steady footsteps. Like he knew that she couldn't run. She tried to push herself up, to move her leg, an arm or even a finger but she was stuck to the ground. She tried to scream but like always no sound came out. She was to die there. All she could do was watch as he got closer to her until he knelt down and leaned over her. She always closed her eyes at that point, never waiting to see what came next. Some nights she’d wake up before anything else happened. Other nights, she’d sleep until the damage was done.

* * *

Unable to sleep, Lavender quietly got out of bed so as to not wake her roommates, and slipped on her star patterned dressing gown. Her parents had given it to her for her fifteenth birthday. The left pocket had a hole in it and the robe dragged on the floor but she loved it. She checked her right pocket, making sure her wand was firmly tucked in. The moon light illuminated the empty Gryffindor Common Room. The wooden floor creaked under each one of her steps. Lavender stopped every so often, expecting someone to walk into the common room. Nobody came. 

The Fat Lady was sleeping on a bed of grass. A few empty glasses of wine were left beside a tree trunk. Hoping that no professor would catch her, Lavender hurried away from the Gryffindor Tower. As she turned the corner of the seventh floor, Lavender pulled her dressing robe tightly across her body and almost caught its sleeve on Barnabas the Barmy's tapestry. Keeping the image of the Room of Requirement in mind, Lavender paced three times in front of the blank wall. As soon as the door appeared, she pushed it open with her back. The room glowed under the moon light of the enchanted ceiling, the mirrors catching and reflecting the light beautifully. 

"Lavender?" Pansy was wearing an oversized Slytherin jumper. The edge of it's sleeves were frayed. "What are you doing here?" Pansy sat up on the sofa, stretching her arms in the process. 

"I could ask you the same thing." Lavender sat on the arm of the sofa. The padding covering the metal did nothing to stop it from pressing against the back of her thighs. 

Pansy pursed her lips. They were bare and chapped, forgotten unlike her nails which were always painted. "I'm a Slytherin. We break the rules." Pansy leaned closer to Lavender. "Didn't you know that?"

"Maybe, maybe." Lavender held back what felt like a smile. "Seriously though. Why are you here?"

"I'll tell you if..." Pansy let the words hang in the air. 

"If what?" 

"If you also tell me why you're here." Pansy's hair fell in front of her eyes before she pushed it away. "An exchange of sorts. What do you say?" 

Lavender closed her eyes for an extra beat before facing Pansy again. "Okay." She shifted on the arm of the couch. "Why are you here? In the middle of the night of all times." 

Pansy rubbed the back of her neck. "Honestly, I don't know. I woke up and made my way here. Almost second nature at this point." Pansy stopped talking and looked up at the ceiling. "That's only part of the truth. The Slytherin common room doesn't feel the same as before. I don't know what you’ve heard about the Slytherin common room, but it's this low underground room with rough stone walls and ceiling. I used to think that being underground and partly under the lake was great. But now it feels like all of last year's tension is being held in those stones. I keep remembering the muffled cries that echoed against the stone. And tonight, I just needed to get away.” Tucking her legs under her body, Pansy moved closer to Lavender. "That's me, but what’s your story Lavender Brown?”

Lavender wrapped her arms around herself. “I just have trouble sleeping. A bout of insomnia. There’s no real story to tell. And if there was one, it certainly wouldn't be a happy one.”

“Even unhappy stories are worth telling.”

* * *

"You seem tired." Pansy flipped the page of her book. Not stopping as she spoke. 

"Why do you say that?"

"Have you looked at yourself lately? Your eyes have these giant dark circles underneath them. And in class you always seem to be five seconds from falling asleep. Seems like you desperately need some sleep. That’s all I'm saying."

"Not all of us are graced with perfect skin. I have dark circles under my eyes, I can't help my genes."

Pansy raised her eyebrow. "If you're going to deflect you need to do a better job at it. What keeps you up at night? Is there some good gossip in the Gryffindor Common Room? Are your roommates hooking up?" Pansy moved closer to Pansy. "Tell me. I need all the details." 

"There's no gossip to tell. It's nothing." 

"So nothing is keeping you awake. But you're exhausted like you've been wrangling a pack of hippogriffs for a week straight. You need to do better than that Lavender. Much better." 

"Stop pestering me. I get nightmares. Okay. I have nightmares and they keep me up at night."

"Yeesh. Don't bite my head off. You have nightmares. They must be pretty bad if you can't get a good night of sleep."

Lavender hums. 

"What did the healers say?"

"The healers?"

"Yeah, I'm assuming your nightmares started at the end of last term. You saw healers for a good part of the summer. Didn't you tell them. They always go 'how are you' and 'have any new symptoms developed since we last met?' I saw them talking to patients a lot during the summer." 

"I didn't tell them about my nightmares."

"Why the fuck not? Healers are there to help you. And it seems to me that you need help with your nightmares."

"Because it's not a big deal. It'll pass on it's own. And I do sleep. A few hours here and there."

"Maybe. But maybe not. And if you've been having nightmares since this summer... that's a long time to not be sleeping well."

* * *

Lavender's eyes snapped open. She was covered in cold sweat, and her heart was pounding. She looked around the room wondering if the werewolf followed her here. She rubbed her eyes, trying to fully awaken. The moon light shone bright through the window, washing away the vestige of the horror. 

Even with the good times she’d had in the Room of Requirement, her nights were still filled with disturbing dreams. Sleep evaded her; her aching eyes strained open. But she couldn't close them; when she did the images that flashed all too vividly were unbearable. The man's brutal snarl, teeth bared—her body pinned to the ground—flashes of red and green. Lavender couldn't stand to see them.

* * *

She sat, tired-eyed, and slumped over her desk. Exhausted, too-tired to move, over-tired and with blood-shot eyes, Lavender didn't notice when the voice of Professor Binns faded into nothing. 

"Tired?" Parvati smiled at Lavender, who jerked awake with a start, and stared around the classroom.

"No, I'm fine." she said, rubbing her eyes.

"You’re lying." Parvati poked her arm lightly. "I always know when you're lying." 

"Don't do that." Lavender moved her arm away and stared blankly at the chalkboard in front of the classroom.

"I know we haven't... talked in a while." Parvati pushed her hair behind her ear. "You've been my best friend for so long, I still— "

"I said—" Lavender got up, her chair screeching against the floor. "—I'm fine."

Parvati stepped towards the door. "If you say so Lav. I'm here though." 

"Leave me alone. Please," Lavender said as she grabbed her bag and left the classroom.

* * *

"You look like hell," Pansy said as she looked up from her book. "You sure you're okay?" 

"I'm fine," Lavender said. "Why is everybody asking me that?"

"Maybe because like I said, you look like hell. When's the last time you slept?"

"I sleep fine, alright." Lavender slumped into her favourite chair. This one had pink cushions and a bronze frame. "Why do you care how I sleep anyways?" 

"I don't. I just don't want you to fall dead in front of me. It'd be rather hard to explain and all. Don't want to make my life even more difficult." 

Lavender saw herself in the mirror's reflection. Hey eyes were red and dark circles were under her eyes. Her skin had also lost some colour. She sighed. The alternative was to sleep, but to dream meant to have nightmares. She wanted none of that. She just wanted everything to be done and over with. Lavender rubbed her face with her hands.

* * *

Lavender's days were spent trying to breath through anxiety attacks and quieting her mind that had found itself in a dark place.

Lavender only closed her eyes when exhaustion forced her to. When she felt the tiredness in her chest, in how she breathed, and her thoughts dragged by in slow motion; she slunk to a quiet spot and curled up. On good days she'd get three hours, on bad days two. She dozed later on, she'd wake as soon as sleep came, heart beating fast and breathing hard. After that it was time to get up, and get on with her day.

* * *

Taking off her bonnet, Lavender slipped out of bed. Everyone was soundly asleep which made sneaking out of the Gryffindor Common Room easier. During the night, Hogwarts grew still. The hustle and bustle of the day's activities were replaced with the footsteps of the professor patrolling the hallways, and the muttering of a select few wandering ghosts. Lavender stopped in the shadows, her body pressed back against the wall. She stood by, listening. She heard voices around the corner. She listened intently as to not get caught before moving. Quietly, Lavender walked down the stairs before crossing the hall, and hurrying away. 

The star speckled ceiling of the Room of Requirement greeted Lavender as she walked under the arched entrance. Tucked away in an enclave of mirrors, Pansy sat at the foot of a chair. Her back rested against the twisted metal frame, and a book lay forgotten by her feet. Lavender focused on the floor and frames of the mirror in an attempt to avoid her reflection. 

"We have to stop meeting like this," Pansy said as she looked up to Lavender. 

"What can I say?" Lavender climbed into the chair, sitting down crossed legged. "I've gotten a taste for rule breaking." 

"Rule breaking? You?" Pansy snorted. "I'll believe it when I see it. What rules have you even broken?" 

"I'm here aren’t I?" If Lavender moved, her knees would brush against Pansy's hair. "Curfew is a rule," she said each word slowly like she was questioning her own answer. 

"Something you've only done twice." Pansy looked up. Her hair falling in front of her eyes. "An eighteen year old girl who leaves her dorm but still stays on the grounds. You're quite the rule breaker. You're living dangerously, aren't you?" 

"I don't need more danger in my life." That one sentence changed the mood of the room. Silence hung in the air. Lavender breathed deeply, trying to slow her heartbeat. 

The silence stretched thinner and thinner until Pansy ruptured it. "I hear you in class. Those deep breaths of yours, what are they about?" 

"They help me breath."

"Of course breathing helps you to breath." Pansy poked Lavender's leg. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"But they do help me breath." Lavender caught a glimpse of the dark circles under her eyes before focusing on Pansy's neck. "Sometimes... sometimes my throat feels incredibly tight and it becomes so hard to catch my breath." Lavender pressed on her chest. "It's like the sky is falling down and I'm paralyzed, unable to do anything but be scared."

Pansy hummed softly, almost encouragingly. 

"It feels like my heart is on fire. And the only thing that keeps it all at bay is to breathe." Lavender rubbed the back of her neck. "It's been that way since... since the end of last year." Lavender didn't want to talk about the attack, and hoped Pansy would make the connection herself. 

"That fucking sucks. It really does help you breath." Pansy turned around to face Lavender. "Sorry I questioned it." 

"I didn't know you were one for apologies Pansy Parkinson," Lavender said, pleased that the focus of conversation had shifted away from herself. 

"It's the logical conclusion. Get sorted into Slytherin, offer the Boy Who Lived up for slaughter, go through reparation, and finally learn the value of apologizing and admitting one is in the wrong. Admittedly it's a fucking work in progress." 

Twinkling in the ceiling, stars hung above Pansy and Lavender. Pansy's eyes were so different in that moment, softer than Lavender knew eyes could be. 

Lavender bit her lip, eyes everywhere but on Pansy. "I should go." Lavender said, tripping on her dressing down as she got up. Lavender glanced towards the door. "Someone might wake up and notice that I'm missing. So I... I should go." 

"Whatever you say."

* * *

"I saw her at St Mungos. Professor McGonagall. Healers were working on her non stop. I caught parts of their conversations. Apparently she took multiple spells to the chest. It was weird because... I never thought I liked her much, but seeing her unconscious. I don't know. It did something. It brought it all closer. Which is a weird thing to say because I was at school when the battle broke out. I don't think there was anything closer than that. But the adrenaline kicks in and somehow you don't think, you just do. You just try to..."

"Survive. It was the same for me. Parvati and I tried to stay together, but we got seperated. There was so much smoke. So much noise. You know, I can still see it. Those flashes of green and red. When I close my eyes, it's all I see. Loud noises just remind me of everyone screaming, and yelling out for their friends," said Lavender. 

"It's not the same, but I know how unpleasant people whispering about you can be. 'Pug-faced Parkinson' that's what gets whispered about me. The first time I heard it, I packed my suitcase, and it wasn’t Professor Snape who stopped me. It was Professor McGonagall. I had managed to drag my suitcase from our common room, all the way to the entrance. First year I didn't think of a levitation charm so I was huffing and puffing when I heard those steady footsteps.” 

Lavender leaned closer to Pansy. Professor McGonagall wasn’t someone to cross. 

Pansy told the story in such detail that Lavender could imagine it. 

_"And where would you be going Mrs Parkinson?" Professor McGonagall had said._

_"I'm leaving this place. I hate it here. I never want to come back again." I was trying so hard not to cry._

_"And why would that be?"_

_"Kids here aren't nice. They're saying my nose is ugly."_

_"There are worse things than a girl with an ugly nose Mrs Parkinson," said Professor McGonagall. "I'd suggest you go back to your dorm before Professor Snape notices your absence." She gave me a tissue and with a quick levitation spell ushered my suitcase and myself to the Slytherin common room._

Pansy ran her fingers through her hair. "At the time I was so angry. 'What did this old woman know about me or about my life.' Turns out she knew. There are definitely worse things than a girl with an ugly nose. I wish it was the worst thing about me." Pansy crossed her legs. "I know I did this horrid thing but I still...I don't know." 

"You wish you could have it be different and the same all at once," said Lavender. 

"Something like that," Pansy said.

* * *

Leaving the bustling Great Hall, Lavender walked up the stairs. At the top, she stopped dead. From an open door at the end of the hall came a beam of light. In the soft glow stood a man. His face was towards Lavender. His eye met hers, but unseeingly, for he was in the shadow, and her vision was dazzled by the light. His face was splattered with blood. Her blood. Lavender knew him. Lavender looked around but none of the other students reacted to the man. She wanted to walk away, to slip back into the crowd of the Great Hall. She was stuck. 

His mouth formed the briefest of crooked smiles before he was gone. As quickly as he came, he left.

* * *

"What is all of this?"

"It's called make-up. People use it to—"

"Very funny, I meant why is it here?" Lavendered remembered the times Parvati and herself had put on makeup together. It had always been a good time, filled with laughter. 

"You said you wanted your face to be different, yeah? Well you can do that with make-up."

"Think I haven't already tried hiding my scars with make-up?" Lavender looked at Pansy. 

"I didn't say anything about hiding. Your scars are pretty deep. Foundation and concealer won't do anything for them. But what about highlighting those things you like about your face. Maybe it'll help guide your eye away from what you don't like. Or maybe it's just fun to play with make-up, and you can take it off before you leave the room."

Lavender picked up Pansy's concealer, and raised her eyebrow. 

"Of course my concealer isn’t going to be a good match for you." Pansy grabbed her lipstick. "This, however, just might." She twisted it to show off the colour. "What do you think?" 

Lavender eyed the violet lipstick. "Hmmm"

"It'll look lovely against your skin. Take it off if you don't like it but I'm putting it on you. "Everyone looks good in purple. Trust me." said Pansy. " 

Lavender relaxed a bit. "And I can just wipe it off if I hate it." 

"No. It'll be spelled on.” Pansy smirked. “Of course you can. It's not like it's permanent." 

Lavender eyed the matte violet lipstick. "Okay." 

"I'll admit purple can look pretty scary in the tube but it's really not that scary." Pansy moved closer to Lavender, placing her hand on Lavender's cheek. "Don't move." With a steady hand, Pansy applied the lipstick. Her eyes squinted when she got to the corner of Lavender's mouth. Her hand was soft. 

"There. Your lips are lovely." Pansy pulled away, her hair brushing against Lavender’s cheek as she moved. "It's not much, but take a look. I mean you can pretty much look anywhere and you'll catch your reflection in a mirror." 

Lavender tilted her head to look past Pansy and into the full-length oval mirror behind her. Her breath caught in her throat as her eyes focused on her lips. In that one moment, Lavender caught herself thinking that lipstick was truly magical. That it held more than a waxy bit of colour—it held the promise of better things to come. 

> Image Description: A digital drawing of Lavender and Pansy reflected in the frame of a mirror. Lavender is wearing a striking shade of purple lipstick. Art by  Narrowredoubt. End description.

Lavender walked to the last rows of desks of the classroom. The cloudy sky which was visible through the windows behind the teacher's table darkened the room. Professor Flitwick pulled his wand from his cloak, and tapped the blackboard sharply with it; words appeared on the board at once. 

Lavender laid her head down on her desk. Every so often she'd open her eyes, and see someone whispering in her direction. She kept her eyes closed until she heard the familiar sound of Pansy's boots hitting the marble floor. She straightened up, noticing that Pansy sat directly in front of her. 

"Non verbal spells. They will be the focus of today's lesson. In front of each of you, you will find a feather. I want you all to be able to lift the feather in the air," Professor Flitwick said as he stepped on the riser. 

Lavender looked at her feather. It was grey and fluffy. Lavender poked it with her wand and watched it skitter around her desk. Focus, determination, and concentration were needed for non verbal magic and Lavender lacked all three at the moment. She was too busy watching how Pansy's hair barely covered the tip of her earrings. The very end of pink gems could be seen coming down past her hair. Lavender had noticed that Pansy rather liked pink. 

"Stupid feather." Lavender heard Pansy say. "Just float would you." Pansy flicked and swished her wand, but nothing happened. Again and again, she waved her wand and the feather stayed still. 

Professor Flitwick walked around the classroom. Nobody spoke as they focused on their feathers. Lavender pointed her wand at the feather and sat up straight. She swished and flicked her wand, and if she looked from a certain angle maybe her feather was floating, or maybe the room was drafty. 

"Fucking feather." Lavender's concentration wavered as she heard Pansy, and any chance of performing a non verbal spell went out of the window. Pansy tilted her chair back so that it rested on it's two back legs. "Okay. Focus Parkinson." 

Lavender wondered if Pansy often talked to herself during class. It certainly made everything more lively. Too bad Pansy wasn't in her History of Magic class. Professor Binns certainly could use the help in the liveliness department. 

The cloudy sky became heavier until it broke out into rain. The sound of which battered against the windows. 

They then spent over an hour revising the charm, which according to Professor Flitwick was bound to come up in their NEWT, and he rounded off the lesson by setting them a large amount of Charms homework. 

> Image Description: A drawing of Lavender and Pansy. Lavender is sitting behind Pansy in the charms classroom, and they both have feathers on their desk. Lavender's hair is coily and styled naturally, reaching her shoulders, and Pansy's hair is straight and cut in a pixie with a long fringe. Art by everyoneinspaceisgay. End description.

Pansy nodded to the space in front of her. "Come join me." Pansy was kneeling down, her trousers inching up her calves to reveal emerald coloured socks. 

Lavender dragged herself off of her chair and sat cross-legged on the floor. It was cold, but Lavender didn't mind it. 

"Seems like you didn't mind it last time." Pansy reached for her bag and dumped the contents on the floor. “I’d even wager that you had fun.” Make-up poured out of the bag; tubes of lipsticks and lip gloss, mascara wands and little pots of foundation and concealers. 

Lavender grimaced, not willing to admit that Pansy was right. “I might’ve enjoyed myself... a bit.” 

Lavender and Pansy sat in front of each other, make-up scattered between the both of them. Lavender ran her fingers across the surface of the tube of bubblegum pink lip gloss. 

"I wore that one during the Yule Ball. My lips were sticky the whole evening." 

Lavender pushed it away. "It's ancient!" 

"It has a preservation charm built into it so it'll last forever without spoiling. What kind of make-up did you have on for the Yule Ball?" 

"Nothing dramatic. Par... I was going through this natural look phase in terms of my makeup. I had barely there pink lipstick and nude coloured eyeshadow."

"That's fucking boring, Brown."

Lavender laughed. "I wanted to look grown-up and Witch Weekly said 'the natural look is for the sophisticated and modern woman'." 

"Well if Witch Weekly said it." Pansy pushed the make-up out of the way as she moved closer to Lavender. "Can't argue with that one." She grabbed a deep espresso eyeliner. "Close your eyes." Pansy drew a steady line on Lavender's top eyelid. "Now open them and look to the side." 

"Bossy aren’t you?"

"Just know what I want." Pansy bit her bottom lip as she traced a thin layer of eyeliner near Lavender's bottom lashes. "I always struggle with this part." It took a little bit but finally, Pansy pulled back and threw the eyeliner into the scattered pile of make-up

"Why are we doing my make-up again?" Lavender blinked a few times. Eyeliner was always a pain to put on. 

"Because I already have make-up on—"

"Barely any."

"—And because it seemed to have made you happy last time." Pansy pushed the make-up around as if she was looking for a specific item. "Plus I like putting make-up on people. Astoria, Daphne's little sister. Do you even know Daphne? Anyways, she used to let me do her make-up all the time when she was younger. 

Surrounded by make-up, the afternoon passed by quickly. Talking with Pansy made Lavender forget about her nightmares. 

But one afternoon of happiness wasn’t enough to keep the nightmares at bay. 

Lavender had been awake for thirty-six hours when her mind dragged her into the nightmare that was her sleep. 

The world was burning. Shaking. Blurring at the edges. Lavender couldn’t tell up from down. She wasn't sure if she was breathing. A blinding green light painted the night sky. She choked as she began being pulled apart, as she slowly exploded from the inside out. The pain was unbearable, building, building and endlessly building. A silent scream was torn from her throat. Quickly a shadow fell and washed away the blinding sharpness of the sky. A moment of silence and then everything shattered. 

Lavender's days passed in a blur. Her body was moving by sheer memory and nothing more. Lessons where she had to endure the whispers of people once more. They were always whispering. She knew they were.

* * *

Lavender toyed with the cork stopper of the Dreamless Sleep Potion, its purple liquid sloshing in the vial. As the blue haze of the day disappeared, the darkness rolled in bringing with it the stars and the moon. Lavender's roommates were fast asleep. Lavender held the vial to her lips. It held the promise of a good night's sleep, of a peaceful sleep. She uncorked the vial and drank the potion, it's metallic taste coating her throat. 

Lavender felt this blackness come over her. Like a blanket, a blanket of warmth welcoming her into the night. Her eyes felt heavier and heavier. Lavender finally closed her eyes before being sent into a dreamless sleep.

In her sleep she escaped, and found relief. And for a few seconds when she awoke she was oblivious to her concerns. She enjoyed that brief respite of time before her troubles burst to the forefront of her mind.

* * *

Lavender struggled to function. Getting out of the bed in the morning was becoming more and more difficult. Her mind was fuzzy and her body sluggish. Still Lavender refused to sleep. 

She couldn’t help the tapping of her foot during Professor Binns class. The class had to end soon. She was fine, and even if she wasn’t it was better than the nightmares. 

Lavender was sitting in class. Her head wobbled on her neck as she tried to stay awake. Every few seconds her head would fall forward and then snap back up. Her eyelids felt weighted and would barely stay open, but she couldn't fall asleep. She stretched her arms high above her head hoping the movement would help keep her awake. She had only slept a few hours the night before. And the night before that. And before that and before that. This had been going on since the beginning of the term. 

The only thing keeping her awake was this intense itchy sensation all over her legs. It felt like spiders crawling all over. Partway through the class the itchiness became all she could concentrate on. She had no idea what Professor Flitwick was talking about, she didn't care. 

Lavender scratched at her thighs under the desk. The itchiness was unbearable. She started jiggling her legs and tapping her feet to make the itchiness go away, but nothing was working. She felt as if there were millions of needles stabbing her in the legs and she was afraid she was going to start crying in the middle of the lesson. Lavender got up and went into the hallway to get her legs moving.

Out in the hallway, the itchiness quickly dissipated, much to Lavender's relief. She went back inside, took her seat, and assumed everything was fine. She tried to concentrate on what Professor Flitwick was saying, but when she looked at him, something strange happened. His short hair began to grow. His hair lengthened out to his shoulders, then his chest, then down towards his waist, all in a matter of seconds. Her eyelids no longer felt heavy as she stared at him, wide-eyed with shock.

This was impossible, Lavender told herself. Nobody would charm Professor Flitwick in the middle of his own class. Lavender looked left and right to her classmates, but they were all staring straight ahead, completely unfazed. She looked back at Professor Flitwick. His hair was short again.

What had just happened? Then, a man entered the room. Lavender briefly thought he looked like the man in her nightmares as he walked past all the students and headed straight for Professor Flitwick. Something bad was about to happen. She could feel it. She looked around the class, but no one seemed worried. She felt like she should do something, anything, to stop the man. She held on to her wand tightly, ready to cast a spell. She watched in horror as the man approached Professor Flitwick and with one swipe of his claws left five cuts in his chest. Lavender pushed my chair back from my desk, ready to run, but she blinked and everything was normal again. Professor Flitwick, completely unharmed, continued teaching. There was no man in the room. The rest of the class passed in a blur as Lavender tried to figure out what had just happened.

* * *

Lavender skipped dinner that night. She made quick work of the stairs as she tried to reach the common room. 

"Cabbage patch." The Gryffindor Tower stayed closed. The Fat Lady wasn't in her portrait. 

Lavender spoke louder. "Cabbage patch." She tapped her foot. "Where are you? I said Cabbage patch." Lavender peared over the railing, trying to spot the Fat lady in nearby painting. "Have you seen her?" she said to the knight in the painting on the adjacent wall. The knight shook his head. 

"I just want to get in. I bet other houses don't have this problem. Portraits that go missing. Such a disgrace." Lavender rubbed her eyes, trying to keep the sleep away. 

"Well I never." The Fat lady walked into her portrait. "My friend, Violet, who lives a few portraits over, told me how you were yelling for me. How can I help you?"

"How can you help me? I want to get in." Lavender held her books closer to her body. "What else could I need from you? Cabbage patch." 

"That'll do." The portrait moved revealing the Gryffindor Tower entrance. 

The sky was dark outside, and the glow of the fireplace greeted Lavender. 

"Pitiful." 

Lavender swirled around looking for who was speaking. Nobody was behind her. She walked to the common room. The plush rug cushioning her footsteps. 

"What a pitiful girl." 

Lavender looked around, nobody seemed to be whispering about her. Romilda was sitting by the fireplace talking to a student. They had a copy of the latest Witch Weekly opened between the both of them. 

"Look at her face." 

Lavender kept walking. She bumped into a corner table. Her eyes were wide open. 

She fumbled with her books as she closed the door to her bedroom. They fell with a thud to the floor. Whispers filled the room.

"Why is she even here? I'd stay away if I had been bitten."

"I didn't get bitten!" Lavender yelled into her room but there was nobody there to listen. "Who’s talking?" 

"Does it matter who's speaking when it's the truth?" The words were whispered behind her. Lavender put her hands on her ears, wanting the sounds to stop. 

"Yes, the truth after all. You need to listen." 

Lavender walked to her bed and burrowed into the mattress. The sheet pulled over her head, she placed her hands on her ears once again. "Please stop. Please stop. Please stop." Lavender kept up her litanny, curling tightly upon herself. 

"Listen to us. Pitiful, pitiful girl. We know the truth.”

The whispers swirled around her until she woke up the next morning. Slivers of light shone through the drawn curtains, casting thin golden stripes across Lavender's face. She opened her eyes and slowly, drowsily uncurled herself. Her body ached from having spent the night curled in a ball. She blinked a few times, in an attempt to help her eyes adjust to the light directed right at her. The bedroom was still empty. Her roommates must have come and gone already. 

There was a certain level of tiredness that is equated with insanity, and Lavender it seemed had reached that point. Being tired had become ingrained in her life. Her life had become one that wasn't lived, but one that was survived and endured. Mornings were painful. Her body was heavy, and only with difficulty did Lavender manage to make it to her classes. She sat in class. Professor Binns floated in front of the room. At times, the room spun. 

Lavender yawned and rubbed her eyes. The sky was a bright blue and the sun shone through the window showcasing the dust in the air. Lavender yawned. It took everything for her to stay seated upright. The day had barely begun and her body was getting heavier and heavier. Soon, she wouldn't be able to move. 

Her body gently swayed. Lavender felt herself slip away from her body. She could see herself sitting at her desk, eyes struggling to stay awake. Her mind was elsewhere, somehow separate from her body. She was floating and looking down on the classroom. She could see everything. Parvati looked at her. Profession Binns pointed at the chalkboard. Students whispered behind her. She was everything. 

Just like it began, she was sitting again. Lavender padded her cheeks with her hands, hoping to jolt herself awake. She couldn't sleep. 

Without Lavender noticing, the class ended. Students were trickling out of the classroom. She was alone. Almost alone. Parvati was there too. Slowly, she made her way to Lavender, her bracelets glittering in the sun rays. 

"Lavender?" said Parvati. She made her way to Lavender's desk. 

Lavender was unable to make herself talk. She simply looked at Parvati, her eyes struggling to stay open. 

"Talk to me. I'm right here and I see you." Parvati toyed with her bracelets. "I'm here." 

Once again, Lavender's world was on fire and she was silent. And Parvati was by her side, willing to care for her. This time, however, Lavender wanted to be left alone. Lavender blinked slowly before shaking her head. She couldn't deal with this. She wouldn't deal with Parvati. Without a word, Lavender picked up her things and walked out of the classroom. 

**November 1998 (Six months since the Attack)**

Autumn days waned toward the inevitable colder weather ahead, each nightfall coming sooner than the one before. Tonight was one of those colder nights. Lavender held the vial of Dreamless Sleep. She couldn't hold on anymore. She needed to have at least one good night's sleep. 

In that one second everything changed for Lavender. As Romilda turned around, she bumped into Lavender. The vial of Dreamless Sleep potion getting knocked out of Lavender's hands. 

Before Lavender could register the sound of the breaking glass, her eyes were shut tightly and desperation washed over her. The vial shattered. She wouldn't get to sleep. She froze, all but her beating heart was moving. When finally she opened her eyes, the ground was stained purple, the colour creeping outward among the shards. 

Romilda's eyes shifted from Lavender to the broken vial. Romilda waved her wand and for a few seconds, the vial mended itself and the liquid was contained in the vial but the spell didn't hold and everything broke apart again. 

Lavender breathed in real slow. "Do you know what you've done?" Rage gripped her. "Do you?" There was something in her shout, a pain behind it. But Lavender ignored it. She needed to be angry. 

Romilda winced. "I'm sorry." She pursed her lips. "I know. I'll brew you another one tomorrow. I can do that," said Romilda.

They both tensed. 

"You'll brew me another potion? This is a high level potion, you can't just brew another one that easily," said Lavender. Romilda's suggestions only added fuel to Lavender's anger. 

Lavender knelt down by the broken vial. Her fingers scraping at the floor, hoping to salvage some of the potion. But all her fingers encountered were shards of glass and soaked wood. The potion was lost. She wanted to cry as rage filled her stomach. Her ears were getting hot. She glared at Romilda. "Go away. Go away!" 

Lavender's eyes shifted downwards and became glazed with a glassy layer of tears. As she blinked, they dripped and slid down her cheeks. Lavender bit her lip tightly in an attempt to hide any sound that wanted to escape from her mouth; her heart sank. All she wanted was a good night of sleep. Nothing more. Lavender pulled herself up. Again, her night would be spent by the open window, willing her body to stay awake.

* * *

The ceiling was dark, the clouds covering almost every inch of it. Rain fell from the sky only to never reach the ground. 

Pansy was talking. Lavender knew that much but everything else was difficult to remember. Everything seemed so far away. Lavender's head dropped back against the chair, she was struggling to stay upright.

"Lavender?" said Pansy. 

Lavender heard words but she couldn't make sense of them. She tried to say that she was fine, but her mouth wasn't cooperating. Lavender tapped her foot against the leg of the chair, trying all she could to keep her eyes open. She yawned as her eyes became heavier and heavier until they shut. She blinked. The room became fuzzy and then there was darkness. 

Lavender woke up to the sound of soft voices and bright light. She moved her arm to shield the ray of sun. It must have been the afternoon. Lavender sat up and rubbed her eyes. 

Her clothes were stiff and scratchy. She’d recognize the hospital gown fabric anywhere. She’d worn enough of them at St Mungos. Lavender rubbed her temples with her fingers. For a second, she didn’t know how she got to the hospital wing. Moment by moment, everything came back to her. She had been in the Room of Requirement. Her body had felt so heavy that she fell down. She must have fallen asleep. Pansy had been there. Pansy must be the reason she was in the hospital wing. 

"Ah. Mrs Brown. You’re awake, I see.” Madam Pomfrey picked up the click board which was at the end of the bed, and looked at her notes. “I thought you, of all people, would have been properly briefed on the benefits of a good night’s sleep, and the dangers of taking potions without the directions of a healer," said Madam Pomfrey. 

A tingle swept up Lavender’s back and across her face. "It must have been an accident." 

“You accidently didn’t sleep to the point that you became sleep deprived?” Madam Pomfrey tsked. “Regardless, the extent of your sleep deprivation is alarming. Professor McGonagall agrees with me that for the next 3 weeks, you'll be spending the night here so that I may monitor your sleep and make sure you don't suffer any lasting effects.” 

"But I..."

"Not buts. It's final. Once you feel better, you may feel free to leave, but do come back before the lights go out." Madam Pomfrey grabbed her chart and added some notes while making her way to her office. 

Lavender slumped back against the frame of the bed. Her head gave a slight thump as it hit the metal frame.

* * *

Lavender burst through the heavy doors of the Room of Requirement. “Pansy?” The door creaked as it shut behind Lavender. 

Pansy looked up from her book. “You’re out.” She scrambled to get and meet Lavender. “How ar —” 

"Why would you? How could you?" Lavender said. The mirrors reflected Lavender’s furry. 

"How could I, what? Get you some help?"

"I was fine."

"You were anything but fine. You wouldn't wake up. I even poured water on your face and you didn't wake up. So I did what any other person would do. I brought you to Madam Pomfrey." 

"It wasn't your place to do that."

"Wasn't my place? Whose place was it then?" Pansy leaned forward. "It's not like you talk to anyone else at school. So who would have noticed that you were passed out? How long would it have taken? How would they have known to look in The Room of Requirement? Not my place."

"Alright. So I wasn't fine but I would have been. I was only asleep." 

"People who are 'only asleep' wake up when people call their name and try to shake them awake." 

"I never asked you to meddle in the first place." Lavender's heart was beating loudly. "Why couldn't you just mind your own business." 

"What was I supposed to do? See you passed out and leave you be? Leave the room and go about my day?"

"Yes, exactly!" 

"I was worried."

"I didn't ask for that either." Words flew from Lavender’s mouth that she never thought she’d even think, let alone say out loud. “You’re just no good for anyone. It’s why you’re always alone.” She knew instantly from the look in Pansy’s eyes that her words hit their mark. In that instant their relationship shattered into glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again. 

"You know what? Fuck you. I heard what Madam Pomfrey told Professor McGonagall. You haven't been sleeping for a long time. And when you have you've been taking Dreamless Sleep potion. That's anything but fine. My uncle overdosed on that stuff, it messes you up, but if you want to keep telling yourself you’re fine. That it's not a big deal? Who am I to tell you otherwise, right? I'm just some girl who happened to be in the Room of Requirement at the same time as you." Pansy picked up her bag and left the room. 

"I never asked for any of this." Lavender yelled as the door shut behind Pansy. "I never asked for any of it." Lavender looked at her reflection. "What are you looking at? Stop looking at me." 

Lavender left the room, making her way to class. She didn't pay attention to any of it. All she could see was Pansy's frustration. Parvati had a similar look the last time they had talked too. Would this be the last time that Lavender talked to Pansy? She didn't know how she felt about that.

* * *

After having spent her first night in the Hospital Wing, Lavender had a few choice words for Pansy. Skipping breakfast, she rushed to the seventh floor. The steps having become familiar a long time ago, she knew to skip the slanted seventeenth step which always made her trip.

Lavender tried to slam the door of the Room of Requirement but its hinges creaked as the door slowly closed. "Pansy?" Lavender voice echoed through the room. "Where are you?" Lavender walked down the aisles of mirrors. “Pansy?” Lavender looked for discarded items of clothes, any sign that Pansy was there. 

"Seriously, you're not here? Well fine." Lavender threw the closest throw pillow against one of the mirrors. "This is what I’ve wanted since the beginning, the room all to myself, so I'll enjoy it." 

Lavender made herself comfortable on the chair. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, shifted from left to right before getting up. Lavender tapped her foot against the floor. “Now that I need you, you’re not here,” Lavender said as she got up. 

Reaching a simple circular mirror, she grabbed her wand from her back pocket, aiming it at the mirror. "Go away,” Lavender pleaded with her reflection. “Will you just go away? Please." Her reflection stood still. 

Steeling herself, Lavender casted her spells. "Diffindo! Reducto!" The mirror shimmered after each spell before returning to its natural state. Lavender threw every spell she knew at the mirror. "Bomborda! Maxima!” Still the mirror didn't break. Her reflection kept looking at her. She didn't know why she had expected anything else. 

Lavender kicked the mirror’s frame. "Why did you have to go snitch to Professor McGonagall? I never asked for your help.” The mirror captured her flushed cheeks, and her narrow eyes. “I was fine. I was perfectly fine.” 

Lavender lived in her anger, lost in the moment and in the torment her brain was in. "Why did you do it?" There was a scream from deep within her that forced its way from Lavender’s mouth. She screamed. All she felt was anger, all she felt was that she didn't want to be friends with anyone else. Then she didn't have to trust anyone, it would be safer, it would be easier. 

Some small part of Lavender knew that she was hiding the truth from herself, hiding how much of this had to do with sadness and scars that wouldn’t heal. But Lavender wasn’t ready to admit it to herself and so she kept screaming. She cursed everyone; Pansy, Parvati, and herself. "Why can't everything be the way it was? I just want to go back to before. Everything was better before."

* * *

Lavender made a point to sit a few rows further than she typically did. She didn't want to sit anywhere near Pansy. She didn't want to spend Charms watching the back of her neck, noticing what kind of earrings she wore or what colour she painted her nails. Lavender wanted nothing to do with Pansy. 

Professor Flitwick stood up in front of the class. With a flourish of his wand, he opened everyone's book to the exact same page. The top of the page read, Chapter 12: Non-Verbal Charms (part 2), The Summoning Charm. With another wave of his wand, Professor Flitwick summoned balls to the table at the front of the class. "If successful, these balls will be in front of each and everyone of you before the end of the class. Don't forget, with non-verbal charms the wand movement is just as important as the intent behind the spell." 

Lavender looked around the classroom. Everyone had their wand out and a look of concentration on their faces. Lavender loosely held her wand, and pointed it at the balls. 

As time dragged on it was obvious that most people had given up on the charm, and were bored. Some of them appeared sedated, slouching in their chairs; others had their heads down. One student even tried to convince everyone he had succeeded but even from a few rows behind, Lavender could tell he was whispering the spell. Pansy was spinning her wand between her fingers. Her nails were a deep burgundy, almost black. 

Lavender tapped her foot against the leg of the chair, waiting for Professor Flitwik to stop talking. However her wishes weren't met. She ended up staring into space, daydreaming about being in the Room of Requirement and away from everyone. Soon, her fingers tapped the desk and was in unison with the rhythm of her foot. 

"Ugh," she breathed a sigh of misery, one she had been holding in since she first sat in her seat. Her eyes shifted from the ceiling to the hourglass on the corner of Professor Flitwick's desk. The hourglass was almost empty. Only a bit longer until she had her well deserved freedom.

* * *

Dusk came sooner than expected, the last of the sun rays hiding behind soft grey clouds. Hogwarts’ ground took on the look of an old photograph, every familiar thing becoming a muted shade of its colour. Slowly the view faded to blackness and the night began. 

Hidden in Lavender’s sleep-away bag was her vial of Dreamless Drought. The purple potion would have bought her one night without nightmares. Forced to sleep in the Hospital Wing, Lavender’s nightmares were going to plague her every night. Her bed was by the window, giving her a view of the great Lake. Uncorking the vial, Lavender downed the potion. Its metallic taste coated her throat. 

Lavender shoved the empty vial in her bed just as Madam Pomfrey pulled the bed curtains’ open. "I expect you to sleep Mrs Brown. No more forcing yourself to stay awake. I’ll be checking on you during the night. Is that understood?”

"Understood." Lavender put on her bonnet before turning her back to Madam Pomfrey. 

Her breaths were even and her eyelids fluttered. Lavender pulled the sheet under her chin. She was comfortable. Soon that was all she was aware of; the soft mattress underneath her, and the warmth of the sheets around her. Lavender slept peacefully that night. 

The unsubdued light of the morning woke her. She was even awake before Madam Pomfrey came to check-in on her. 

The next night, Lavender stretched out every moment of her night time routine. The sun had gone to rest, the moon taking his place as the darkness spread. Lavender wanted to stretch out every moment until the sun rose again. 

Madam Pomfrey walked to the edge of Lavender’s bed. "Last night seemed to have been a good one for you. Hopefully tonight will be the same. Good night Mrs Brown," she said as she closed the curtains. 

Lavender heard Madam Pomfrey talk to other students before hearing the sound of her office close. Lavender sat in bed for hours before slipping under the sheets at the sound of the office door opening. The light of the day had long ebbed and dwindled to nothing when Lavender lost her battle, and fell asleep. 

A man hovered above her. He had nails as sharp as claws. He pressed down on her throat, the nails digging into her flesh. Blood dripped down her throat. Her breath became shallow. 

"We meet again," said the man. "What fun shall we have this time?" 

Paralyzed, Lavender could only watch as he took his time. 

Lavender finally got her breath and shrieked. She came gasping awake, only to find herself alone in her bed, in the pitch black.

The warm sunshine streaming through the classroom window did nothing to help Lavender's concentration as she sat in class trying to pay attention. Professor Binns' monotone voice droned on about some dead wizard who fought in a battle hundred of years ago and was slowly putting Lavender to sleep. She rubbed her eyes, trying to keep herself awake. While she had slept the previous night, she'd woken up drenched in sweat after a particularly vicious nightmare. She hadn't had much rest. 

She was taking notes as best as she could when suddenly she realized that her eyes were closed. She opened them quickly and looked at her parchment paper. The last line she had written ended in nonsensical words before it became a straight line that ran off the parchment scroll. She was trying but it seemed her best wasn't good enough. A few minutes later, she was dozing off again before she caught herself before her head fell on the desk. 

Parvati sat near the window. Her hair was pulled in a messy bun. She must have been running late. Parvati only wore a messy bun when she didn't have the time to braid her hair or comb through them so they could be worn down. Parvati looked in her direction before Lavender quickly averted her gaze and went back to taking notes. The first term was almost over and Lavender still wasn't on speaking terms with Parvati. Professor Binns floated to the front of the classroom as he began his lesson. 

Autumn days waned toward the inevitable colder weather ahead, each nightfall coming sooner than the one before. 

Lavender woke up and stretched, the morning sun blinding her in the infirmary. This was the end of her first week sleeping here. 

"Up. Everyone up. The day is beginning." Madam Pomfrey said. 

Lavender heard her even with her pillow over her head. Madam Pomfrey pulled the curtains open. "And how are we doing today?" 

Lavender started at the ceiling before moving her gaze to Madam Pomfrey. "The same."

"At least your vitals have steadied.” She waved her wand over Lavender. "Have you considered talking to someone? About your nightmares?"

"Like you?"

"Oh no. Mind healing isn't my specialty my dear. But we do have a mind healer who comes to Hogwarts twice a week, and talks to those students who need it. Sometimes it’s only a few times, and for some it's an ongoing conversation that requires multiple appointments." 

Lavender pulled her legs to her chest. "How would that help?"

"How could it harm? You certainly wouldn't be the first students to talk to a mind healer. After... after the last war a lot of us were left with scars, and we didn't have mind healers, so those scars never healed properly. Things can be different now." 

Lavender pursed her lips. 

"No need to decide now, dear. I'll make an appointment for you, and you can see what happens after that. I'll see you at curfew." 

Lavender stepped out of the bed. The floor was cold under her bare feet. She got ready for class. 

As she left the infirmary she noticed that there seemed to be a handful of students who had also spent the night. Lavender hadn't really paid attention before. She noticed Cho sitting beside Marietta. It seemed that she wasn't the only one with scars. Lavender nodded in her direction and was pleased when Marietta smiled back. Lavender left the infirmary and made her way to her History of Magic lesson. 

She looked at her empty window seat. It would take no effort to sit there. It was only a few steps away. She’d have to face Parvati. She still wasn’t ready. Lavender dusted the desk by the door before pulling out her quill and parchment paper. Professor Binns floated at the front of the class.

* * *

In the time between being awake and her nightmares, Lavender slept. She no longer struggled to keep her eyes open every day. Her sleep still wasn't peaceful or always restful, but her days weren't as painful. 

The Room of Requirement felt empty without Pansy. It shocked Lavender to realise that she missed Pansy. Even when they shared the room in silence, Pansy had still been there. She'd gotten used to her presence. But Lavender didn't quite know how to make amends. She couldn't simply tap her shoulder at the end of class, and say "I'm sorry." That wasn't possible for Lavender. 

Lavender laid down. Her feet propped up on the armrest of the sofa. Her hands on her stomach. When she felt her mind wander, she tried to call back to counting pygmy puffs. Madam Pomfrey had suggested that Lavender try meditation to complete her sleeping. Since her sleep didn't always guarantee rest, meditation could help bring her some awareness and peace. With every other breath, Lavender saw images of Pansy; her painted nails, and the sound of her boots. She also remembered her friendship with Parvati, and for once she didn't shut out the images. All the times they drank tea at Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop. Cheeks rosy from the cold winter wind. One pygmy puff. Two. Three. Lavender kept counting, and breathing and remembering. And with each breath, the memories of the good times were welcomed. 

Time had begun to dissolve into itself. Lavender tried to bring her life back to something coherent. Her days were mostly spent between her classes and the Room of Requirement. She didn't do much else beside that. The Great Hall was also inevitable. She did have to eat after all. The dark circles under her eyes were still present. She still yawned throughout all of her classes. She was surprised that she hadn't accidently hexed someone with how tired she was. 

The Room of Requirement was quiet. She closed her eyes and counted the pygmy puffs. Every so often her count was interrupted as she believed that she heard the door open. It never did open. Pansy never came. A whirlwind of leaves scattered across the ceiling. The Room had added a fireplace, almost like it was getting itself ready for the winter weather. Lavender sat on the sofa. Finding one of Pansy's books tucked between the cushions. The pages were worn, a book well read. Lavender smiled. She could give the book back, but they weren't on speaking terms. Maybe she could leave it on her desk in Charm class. That way they didn't need to talk. Lavender flipped through the pages of the book before laying it down. 

Lavender wandered down the rows of mirrors, avoiding her reflection at every turn. "Where are you Pansy Parkinson? You were here every day before. It's like you're avoiding me but you're the one who hurt me. You're the one in the wrong. Why would you be avoiding me?" Lavender looked at the mirrors, like she was expecting them to answer her questions. "You're so annoying Pansy." Her words echoed back to her. "Stop that! Stop throwing everything back in my face. I've had enough. You hear me? I've had enough." Lavender stomped her foot. "All you have to do is apologize. Easy enough. You told me you now knew how to apologize, so why won't you? Why won't you come back? Why won't you?"

* * *

The days blurred together, but somehow it was Wednesday. The day of her appointment with her mind healer. Lavender had imagined a man with a well trimmed mustache, holding a clipboard. Somehow the image wasn’t complete without the clipboard. She thought about skipping the appointment, but she knew better than to not follow Madam Pomfrey's remedies. Madam Pomfrey knew everything. She knew more about the coming and goings of Hogwarts than Lavender and Pansy put together. 

Lavender remembered when she visited Ron in the Hospital Wing, she supposed she did make a bit of a scene. Maybe that was how Madam Pomfrey learned everything. Overwrought teenagers, spilling their secrets in an effort to make their lives more dramatic. Lavender shook her head. It was hard to imagine things like who was dating who was ever so important to her. Now, she couldn’t even seem to keep friends. 

Lavender hid behind a knight’s set of armor, waiting for a group of people to walk by. She didn't want anyone to see her go into the Mind Healer's office. People were already gossiping about the state of her body. She didn't want them to gossip about her mental state. She had enough to worry about without adding to it. 

A bookcase was behind the mind healer. Every other shelf was filled with portraits, vases, and sculptures. The mind healer looked nothing like Lavender had imagined. There was no mustache, and no clipboard. There was a short haircut with shaved sides. There was blue hair. Lavender didn't think healers could have blue hair. There was a wonderful use of makeup. Their eyes were perfectly lined with brown eyeliner, and their face was otherwise bare. Lavender blushed. She'd stared too long, she was certain of it. 

"Mrs Brown, yes?" said the mind healer.

Lavender nodded. "That's me." 

"I'm mind healer Ash. Do you know why you're here?"

"Because Madam Pomfrey is making me?"

"You're certainly not my first patient who isn't happy to be there. How about this, do you know why she referred you to me?"

"No." Lavender foot tapped on the floor. "Not a clue." 

"That's okay. We'll figure it out together." 

There were two chairs. The cushions were plush and almost swallowed the chair. Healer Ash was sitting on one, and Lavender sat on the other. 

They sat in silence. Lavender didn't know what she was supposed to do, but she knew she didn't want to talk.

* * *

Today they wore pink lipstick and their eyes were bare. They leaned forward in their seat, like Lavender was going to share something important. "Mrs Brown, welcome back."

Lavender's bag dropped by her chair. "You can call me Lavender. Otherwise, you sound like a professor."

"Lavender it is then."

The leaves had finished changing colours, lining the trees with speckles of orange, red and yellow. When the wind blew they came down, breaking delicately off of the tree branches and floating down to earth. In just a few weeks, the trees would stand naked in the frozen air, stripped of their lovely colours. 

"What's even supposed to happen here?" Lavender pulled on the sleeve of her cardigan. 

"I like to hear people's stories. What stories they tell themselves. Are they the villain? The hero? The bystander? The victim? What kind of role do they play in their own stories? Are they happy with those roles? And your story is one I’d like to hear."

"Sounds very Muggle-ish."

"It might be to some. But the war created a lot of wounds that magic can't heal. The Muggle world seemed like a good place to seek help."

Lavender leaned back into the chair's cushions. “But what’s the point of me being here?” 

"What do you mean by that?"

"I didn't even talk last time. And I'm not going to talk this time either. So what's the point?"

"That's okay Lavender. If you don't want to talk, nobody is going to force you. But I'm here in case you ever do want to talk. In case, you want to talk to someone, but you don't know who to talk to. If you do let me, we'll be talking about you."

"Me? People talk enough about me as it is." 

"What do they talk about?"

"They gossip about me." Lavender straightened up and crossed her arms as she noticed that she had started talking. She'd been tricked. Lavender stayed quiet the rest of the session. The last grain of sand of the hourglass dropped and Lavender grabbed her bag before bolting out the room.

* * *

Nearby the bed's window were the tips of trees, a way to watch the season change in real time. Slowly but surely the trees were losing their leaves. Soon enough they would only be bark. 

Lavender reached out towards the curtain and drew it aside in one strong motion. The light flooded in, bathing her in its warm rays. 

The hours went by as she tried to stay awake, feigning sleep as Madam Pomfrey pulled the curtain and looked in. But the bed was comfortable and she was tired. Maybe a few hours of sleep would be fine. She would simply wake up before her sleep got too deep, before dreams happened. Lavender charmed her watch to whistle softly at the hour and closed her eyes. 

She was running. All she knew was that she had to keep running. Something bad was coming after her. Her heart was beating fast, and her breath was coming out in pants. Lavender looked behind her and saw nothing but still she knew that she had to keep running. The whole place was dark. So dark that she couldn’t see where she was going. She felt something brush against her hair and ran even faster. She didn't know if her body could keep going but she pushed it as far as she could. 

Lavender tried to scream, she lurched awake, gasping for a few racing breaths, she didn't know where she was. Then she remembered. She was at Hogwarts. She was in the Hospital Wing. She breathed heavily as the dreaded images of her nightmare disappeared. Lavender sat in the dark, waiting for morning. 

"Mrs Brown, must I remind you that you are to sleep at night and not set up an alarm for the middle of the night."

"No." Lavender bit her bottom lip. "It won't happen again." Lavender flopped back on the bed. Today wasn't starting out so well. 

History of Magic wasn't any better. Lavender struggled to stay awake. She yawned as she entered the classroom. 

Days held little meaning as time dissolved itself. Lavender went through the motion of her days without any real feeling behind it. Now that she had spent her anger, she had no single feeling that governed her days. The Room of Requirement which had felt like a sanctuary now felt oppressing in its emptiness. Days were idled away, sitting in her chair under the enchanted ceiling. The silence gnawed at her inside. It underscored her loneliness. This kind of silence chilled her. No amount of blanket could warm her up. 

**December 1998 (Seven months since the Battle)**

On a windy afternoon while sitting in the Room of Requirement, it came to her. She was afraid. She was afraid of so many things, of her attack, of being abandoned, of everything not being like it was before. She'd been in the dark for so long without knowing it. She was in a place with a thousand people but felt attacked by every one of them. It was like walking on a path without any directions, without any idea when it would end. But it had ended. She simply hadn't noticed it. Whatever it was between Pansy and her, it was a beginning. A beginning that her fear and pain had destroyed. 

Brick by brick, her walls came tumbling down. As much as she tried to hold it in, the pain spilled out of her body. Tears started falling down one after another, without any sign of stopping. She was being eaten by her fear, and it had made her angry and alone. Tears spilled down Lavender's face as she clutched a teal throw pillow. Her breaths were uneven and hitched. She was covered in open wounds and scars that had never healed. It was raw, everything, raw tears, and raw emotions. Her lashes were heavy with tears. Her silent sobs wracked against her chest. 

Through teary eyes, Lavender faced her reflection in the large scalloped mirror facing the sofa. Tear stained cheeks and red nose, Lavender's face was the picture of grief, loss, and devastation. It was the face of someone who had suffered, and was terrified of suffering again. Lavender took a shaky breath. This was who she was. 

She lightly traced the jagged lines of her face with the tip of her finger. One. Through her lips and downward towards her chin. Two. From the corner of her left eye to the middle of her cheek. On good days, she would count herself blessed that she was still alive. Three. From her hairline to the edge of her right eyebrow. On bad days, she would want to hide from the world, hide from herself. She'd be angry but it would be okay. The memories of that day were etched into her scars. But those scars weren't the end of her story. She had started a new one in getting to know Pansy. That realization took something out of Lavender, something she didn't know she had left to give. 

Exhausted, Lavender fell back against the sofa. Everything darkened into nothingness as she passed into the oblivion of unconsciousness. And for the first time in two months, Lavender slept somewhere else than the Infirmary Room.

* * *

Lavender spent days trying to catch Pansy in the Room of Requirement before finally succeeding. Pansy’s boots were left a few steps before the sofa. Laying on her stomach, she was reading a book on the sofa, her green snake patterned socks on full display.

Clutching her makeup bag, Lavender took a deep breath before speaking. "Hi." Lavender raised her hand to shield her eyes from the glare of the enchanted ceiling’s sun. Waiting for Pansy to acknowledge her, Lavender rocked on the back of her feet. 

"Oh.” Pansy looked up from her book. “So you're talking to me now?" Pansy folded the corner of her book before flinging it on the other side of the sofa. "What did I do to deserve such a change in behaviour and to have Lavender Brown deign to speak to me?" Pansy crossed her arms. 

Lavender rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Nothing." 

"Nothing?" Pansy raised her eyebrow. "That's certainly not the fucking answer that I was expecting." 

"I didn't mean it like that." Lavender pressed down on the sole of her feet, trying to ground herself. "You did nothing different. I...I was the one who was wrong. I shouldn't have lashed out like that time." 

“No, you shouldn’t have.” 

“I'm sorry.” Lavender looked at Pansy, trying to find in her eyes a hint of forgiveness. "I'm sorry I didn't reach out before."

"Better late than never." 

"Just like that? I'm forgiven?" 

"It's part of this inner growth thing that I told you about. Along with learning to apologize, I'm also learning to forgive. Apparently holding grudges isn't very healthy. Who knew?" Pansy ran her fingers through her hair. 

"I brought a little something.” Laender held out her bag. “A peace offering of sorts."

"A gift?" Pansy moved to the edge of the sofa, looking at Lavender's bag. "I like gifts."

"Not exactly a gift." Lavender shook the bag, its contents clanking together. "It's my makeup bag. I figured I could do yours. Return the favour.” Lavender bit the inside of her bottom lip. “If you'll let me, that is." 

"I can’t say no to a makeover." Pansy slid off of the sofa, her back resting against it. "Come join me." Pansy patted the floor in front of her. 

Lavender sat down, tucking her legs under her body. As she emptied her bag, the tubes, wands, palettes and pots of makeup scattered everywhere. Lavender smiled at the sight of the lovely colours. "It's been a while since I used these."

"I'll happily let you test your skills on me. Luckily for us, the only bit of makeup I'm wearing today is clear nail polish." Pansy wiggled her fingers, showcasing her bare nails. “Oh, that’s without counting my cherry flavoured chapstick." Pansy pursed her lips before laughing. 

"Since when does chapstick count as makeup?" Lavender pushed away her darker shade of foundations and concealers. 

"Chapstick has counted as makeup since I've been four. I kept asking my mum if I could wear makeup and she handed me a stick of chapstick, telling me it was makeup. I haven't been able to stop including in my definition of makeup since then." 

"Well, I don't think your current make-up is going to interfere with this." Lavender reached for the eyeliner pencil. "Look up please." Lavender lined Pansy's eyes with brown khol, her hand surprisingly steady. "Stop blinking so much. My lines will be crooked and you’ll end up looking like a demented racoon."

"A demented racoon?" Pansy shifted slightly, her knee brushing against Lavender's thigh. "I certainly don’t want that. Have you met many demented racoons?” 

Once finished with the eyeliner, Lavender layered mascara on Pansy’s eyelashes and watched her eyelashes lengthen with each stroke. “No, but it made you stop moving so it did the trick.” 

"I was angry and scared. I didn't know how to deal with it so I just took it out on everyone. That's why Parvati and I don't talk anymore. I... pushed her away. I'm the reason our friendship is ruined. She was at St Mungos to see me, and I lashed out. It was like this force out of my control and next thing I knew I had hurt Parvati. I didn't know how to say that I was sorry. Because then I'd have to explain how I felt, and I didn't really understand it myself. I just knew that I was angry. I still don't fully understand it now." Lavender paused, looking at Pansy's face, tilting it towards the light. "We're still good." Lavender continues to put makeup on Pansy. "I've felt like I needed to run away from everyone, including myself, since the beginning of the term. 

Lavender painted Pansy's fingernails. One at a time. Pansy's body radiated heat against Lavender's cold hands. "I think this colour is yours," Lavender said as she held a bubblegum pink coloured bottle. 

"At least it's not so cliche as to be Slytherin green." Pansy smiled. "Why are you telling me this now? I already forgave you. Why are you opening up to me?”

Lavender pursed her lips, and she painted Pansy's index finger, nail polish dripping on the floor. "It felt right. I'm trying to be more honest with myself and with those around me. It didn't do me any good to keep everything bottled inside. It just ruined everything. I started going to a Mind Healer."

"The one that comes to Hogwarts every other day?"

"Yeah. How did you know?"

"You're not the only one who has stuff to work through. I've been going since the beginning of the summer. Part of my rehabilitation and all. Certainly you didn't think I came around to learn about apologizing and forgiveness all on my own? It's good. Plus they've got a wicked sense of fashion. I'm pretty sure our first sessions were me trying to get some fashion tips."

Lavender laughed. 

"Seems like it's doing you some good too."

"I think it is." Lavender picked up the tube of lipstick.

“I know the drill.” Pansy pursed her lips. 

"And now for the last touch." Lavender applied lipstick the colour of pomegranate seeds to Pansy's lips. 

Lavender swiped some clear lip gloss across Pansy's mouth to finish the look. "And done"

Pansy tilted her head and looked at the mirror behind Lavender. "I really like what you've done with my lips. Thank you." She smacked them, admiring the colour. "Thank you for apologizing. It's not always an easy thing to do. And... talking to you was nice. More than nice." 

"I never thought talking to a stranger would help you know. You open up to this complete stranger, constantly fearing that they’re going to tell you that your problems are stupid. It took me by surprise." Lavender hugged a throw pillow. 

"Tell me about it. It's fucking wird but it works. Who would have figured that Muggles would have us beat in this one field. I looked into it. After the first war, loads of people got sick. Like people lost the use of their legs for no reason and people would freak out over little noises and stuff. That's when Mind Healing really took off. Muggles also had their own war and similar stuff happened to their people who fought. So we took a page from their book. We came up with healing methods that were born from theirs." Pansy pushed her hair behind her ear. 

Lavender held Pansy's hand. Pansy's left hand was callused in places, exactly in the spots where she held her wand. Lavender took her time, more time than she probably needed but she enjoyed holding Pansy's hand. It had been a while since she'd been this close to another person. It was nice. She got to see specks of green in Pansy's eyes, among the brown. The brown eyeliner brought them out.

Lavender looked at their reflection. Multiple mirrors captured this moment. Lavender committed the moment to memory.

* * *

The hourglass on the coffee table was charmed to ring at the end of the session. Red sand coursed through it. There was a window giving way to the courtyard behind Healer Ash. The glass was bewitched as a two way window so that those on the inside could see the outside but not the other way around. This time Lavender also noticed that Healer Ash had the top of her ear pierced. 

Lavender arrived early and ran her fingers on the book spines. She wasn't one for books but today the action soothed her. Libraries didn't bring her comfort. Before this year she’d sought comfort among her friends. She’d sought comfort with Parvati's presence. Until it was taken from her she'd never realized how much she relied on other people. She thought it would have been easy to cut out her friends but it was very difficult. Her friends were part of her life. Parvati was a part of her life. 

From the window, Lavender saw the tree where Parvati and her would have picnics in the springtime. They would bring copies of Witch Weekly and read all the juicy gossip bits. It's where they’d learned how to read tea leaves. She'd always struggled with that aspect of Divination until it clicked one spring day. Parvati was much better at tarot cards. They would practice their craft until it was too dark to see, until they had to go back inside. Lavender missed that. The memory stung and Lavender pushed it away, determined to look anywhere but that dream. She focused on the adjacent bookshelf. 

"You don't have to tell me, but I'd like you to think about what happened when you were in St Mungos. Who was by your side? Who's still by your side? If they aren't, how come? And if you were to tell a story about those people what would it look like?"

Lavender thought of her parents and her grandma. Her family who always made certain that she was safe and loved. The attack hadn’t changed that. They were still by her side. They still owled her every week wanting to know how she was, wanting to know what was new with her. 

Lavender bit the inside of her cheeks as she remembered that she'd been lying to her family. Letting them believe that she was fine. The truth was that she'd been anything but fine. But she wasn't ready to face that truth. 

"There's Parvati. She's my best friend. I'd never been more than a day without hearing from her, even during summer break. This year's been different. We haven't been talking at all. I want to believe that it's her fault but I think it might be mine." Lavender held in the urge to tap her foot, settling for tapping her fingertips against the cushions. 

"Would you change anything if you could?"

"I'd change everything. I'd never have gotten bitten." 

It took Lavender three weeks to start opening up. Three weeks of stilted conversations and long silences.

* * *

Winter had officially arrived. By morning the trees were covered in frost and snow. The branches which not long ago were adorned with the vibrant colours of autumn were now covered in frost. Their leaves were long buried under a thin layer of snow. The term was almost over. 

The term was almost over, and there were two things Lavender Brown wanted to accomplish before the holidays arrived. The first of those two things was to be accomplished in Professor Binns’ classroom. 

Lavender paused at the doorway, letting her eyes roam the room before anyone noticed she was there. She'd have to go in, she knew she would, but at least this way her mind had a few moments longer to prepare. Lavender breathed deeply before walking into the room. With its paintings trying to liven up the dullness, the classroom looked exactly the same as it had at the beginning of the term. But Lavender felt different. Something in her had shifted.

Professor Binns hadn't arrived yet. Students were huddled together. They whispered. The whispers began to surround her. They twisted and tightened around Lavender. She struggled to breathe until her eyes landed on Parvati. Her breath stuttered in her lungs before she let it go, feeling the tension drain from her body. Her breathing returned to normal and she felt as if she could face anything.

Lavender walked by her seat near the door. Her fingers trailed on the back of the chair. Parvati was looking out of the window. Lavender made her way to the third row window seat.

"Parvati?" Lavender let out a shaky breath. “I…” 

Parvati turned around. "What do you want?" Parvati sighed. The sunlight caught in her hair giving it a lovely shine. 

The words were harder than Lavender had rehearsed. She steeled herself. If she'd rehearsed the conversation once, she'd rehearsed it a thousand times, this was it. "I... do you mind if I sit beside you?" The words came out in a rush, without a pause between them. 

Parvati looked down at Lavender's feet. "You're nervous." She rested her chin on her hand. 

"I'm not nerv—" This was part of the problem. She kept avoiding her feelings. "Yeah, I'm nervous." Her mouth had gone dry. 

Parvati nodded. "The seat's free. You can sit there." 

Professor Binns started the class, and Lavender’s heart felt lighter. She spent the class looking at Parvati, wondering if they would be able to go back to how they were before her scars, before she created walls around herself.

Parvati poked her with the end of her quill. "I hope you don't mind but you'll be getting your mittens a bit late this year. I'm thinking of using a nice teal yarn this year," said Parvati. 

Class ended without any fanfare, but for Lavender everything was now different. She wasn’t alone anymore. Looking at Parvati, Lavender realized that she had never been alone to begin with. 

The afternoon classes had begun, and Lavender found herself in Charms. Lavender still had a second thing to accomplish before she could call it a day. 

The winter frost covered the windows, bringing a brilliance to the afternoon. Nobody sitting beside her, Pansy was aimlessly twirling her wand. 

Lavender clenched her fists rightly, until her nails dug into the palm of her hands, but she barely noticed. The only thing she was really aware of, was the sound of her heart throbbing against the cage of her chest. But she knew she could do this. In spite of her soft panic, Lavender walked up the stairs and stopped in front of Pansy's desk. 

"Pansy, is it?" Lavender stood there waiting to see if Pansy would play along. Lavender's palms were sweaty, she wiped them on her skirt. 

Pansy snorted. "It's been brought to my attention recently, that we've had Charms together since fourth year." Pansy ran her fingers through her hair. She still wore the jade nail polish that Lavender had painted on her nails. "You know my name. And I know yours, Lavender Brown." Pansy hid her smile behind her serious eyes. "Can I help you? I have places to be, and people to talk to." 

Lavender rolled her eyes. Pansy was clearly enjoying herself. "No, I don't need your help. In fact, I think I'll stay right here." Lavender pulled up the chair and sat down. She bit her lip in an attempt to stifle her laughter. 

"Seems like I don't have a say in the matter." 

"No, you don't. I'm not going anywhere." Lavender faced Pansy as she said those last words. "So, you better get used to me." 

Neither girl moved a muscle. But both stopped hiding their smiles. 

One by one, and two by two, students filled the classroom. In that moment, Lavender found that she didn't care if anyone stared at her. With a tap of his wand on the edge of the table, Professor Flitwick brought the class to attention.

* * *

The day had been taxing, and Lavender wanted to escape the world for a little while. She walked past the section of blank wall three times. She imagined the sparkling mirrors, the vast ceiling, and the luxurious sofas and chairs. She walked past the wall, but the familiar door didn't appear. Lavender closed her eyes. She focused and walked past the blank wall again. Once, twice, and three times. And still the door didn't appear. 

On the following day, Lavender tried to open the Room of Requirement, but still it didn't appear to her. The room would never reappear for Lavender again. 

There would be good days. There would be hard days. Days when Lavender wished to escape to the Room of Requirement again. But in the end, things would be okay. Lavender would be okay, and that’s what mattered.

-The End- 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are kudos are appreciated <3 Find us on Tumblr @evening12, @artymakeart, @narrowredoubt and @everyoneinspaceisgay!


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